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Yankees Finally Pluggin’ Holes

Thursday, 31 Jul 2008- Written by

Well the DirtyDalerz crew is mostly split on what teams we like baseball wise. 50/50 Mets, Yankees. Since, none of the Mets fans post on this blog ah well i’ll just talk Yankees for right now. They have made a ton of moves coming up to today’s trade deadline, and I believe they are done. With that said I’m just going to talk over there last couple transactions and my opinions.

Rich “i’m too” Sexson

First Trade was for Richie Sexson who was on the Seattle Mariners at the beginning of the year. Yankees are only paying $160,000 for his services over the final 10-plus weeks of the regular season. I think the Yankees got a mediocre player for a cheap price. Ok, he is tall he looks like he is a good hitter. Put him on the New York Stage and I really have trouble seeing this guy producing whatsoever. The only reason why the Yankees bothered signing a guy like him is because of the key injuries to certain players and to make sure you have a deep roster going for a post-season push.

Trade Grade: C+

Xavier “its all gravy” Nady
Damaso “al le” Marte

The Second Trade to come to the Yankees was a total steal in my opinion. This is where the Yankees gave away pitchers Ross Ohlendorf / Jeff Karstens and two minor league players (pitcher & Outfeilder) for Damaso Marte and Xavier Nady. Ohlendorf is the only real DECENT and I stress DECENT guy we gave up in this deal. Karstens was shaky at best and I would rather have someone in there who is solid and consistent. Both Ohlendorf and Karstens were very expendable. What I don’t get is the two minor leaguers that the Pirates took off the Yankees hands also in this deal. One of them barely turned 20 and the other has been suspended before for drugs. Not everyone can be turned into J. Hamilton, which is what I hope they are expecting. The Yankees get two great players, Marte is a SOLID setup man. This is a spot where K. Farnsworth resides (see below this has changed). Marte had JUST slid into the closer role in Pittsburgh for the injured M. Capps and was doing just fine. Now he is coming into a Yankees team that will need him in the 6th, 7th or 8th inning to be lights out. I think he can do this. Current stats are as follows 16 Hold Decisions, 3.67 ERA, 51 Strike Outs and 1.20 Walks Per Innings Pitched. He has a great fastball and his other pitches are decent to get him by. As for Xavier Nady he is batting .325, 14 HR, 60 RBI’s, WHAT!? .. he is a beast up there. This is what the Yankees were lacking and they got it with Nady, a person who gets hits when runners are in scoring position and has a great average. I don’t know who Cashman had to blow to get this deal done but you must give GREAT FUCKING HEAD.

Trade Grade: A+

Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez

The last trade before the deadline (currently its 12pm Thursday) is the trade for Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez for Let me start of by saying I have never EVER EVER liked Kyle Farnsworth. Every time he came into the game I would just shut the t.v. off and say “good game” because he was just about to put a quarter in the merry-go-round and blow the game for us. He was the definition of a Setup Man who couldn’t set a fucking table let alone hand the game over to Mariano to Save. Nobody was ever comfortable. Cashman knew it too but was waiting for the right time to deal him. Finally he started to have an upswing while everyone was trying to get behind him and Cashman did the right thing and SOLD him while he still could. This is where details get fishy. Why would Detriot STRAIGHT UP trade for Farnsworth with there quite possibly Hall of Fame catcher who you could argue is at the tail end of his career (but still has 2-3 good years left in him). I will back up Pudge with saying he is batting an good .295 BA with 32 RBIS but again this guy won 10+ Gold Gloves as well which is a all-time record for catchers. What did Detroit see in Farnsworth that the Yankees didn’t see that they thought they could live without Pudge? Why do I care? I don’t! All I have to say is Thank you Tigers .. you have just recieved one of the worst setup men in baseball, and we’ll gladly take your HOF catcher. Kthakxbai!

Trade Grade: A

Yankees are known for making trades before the deadline but they really didn’t make any SKEPTICAL trades. They saw what they were missing and they found the best people out there and got them. They gave up Jack shit in return. The Yankees gave up 3 pitchers that were very sparingly used and received enough glue to keep the team together. Cashman you did a great job! I seriously think you are going to put us over the hump to get us in the post-season. You have made some very questionable decisions in the past, might I bring up that big elephant that sits around collecting a paycheck still and has only pitched 8 times in 3 years ::cough::pavano::cough:: .. no i’ll let that slide because he is off the books after this year. You did good Cash .. you did good.

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McDonalds Way To Go Finally

Tuesday, 29 Jul 2008- Written by

I’m not a big fast food eater at all. The only fast food you can catch me eating is Taco Bell and maybe Once every few months i’ll have a burger from Burger King because I’m a burger guy. You will most definitely not catch me at McDonalds. I eat very healthy and am proud of it. Now Mr. Ronald McDonald you have finally caught my eye. I walked past a sign that said 2 for $3 Southern Style Chicken Biscuit. I totally ignored it at first until I saw it at a closer view.

McDonalds Chicken Biscuit

Look at the Biscuit it is on! It looks like McDonalds went to Pillsbury Grands and said .. “OK, dough boy gimme your best biscuit and we can all make money here”. With this said it still took another 3-4 times passing it for me to finally break down. I think it was because I was strapped for cash one day and this just seemed like a good idea. I fell for your ploy Ronald, you win.

I walked in .. 9 a.m. the place was packed but I just kept staring at the sign ahead of me and rubbing my stomach. I finally get up to the front and place my order. Less then 3 minutes later I got my sack of two Southern Style Chicken Biscuit’s. I bring it up to my desk at work and setup. Drink. Check. Napkins. Check. No Interruptions. CHECK! I was ready to indulge.

This was it .. the best thing I have EVER and I mean EVER tasted from any fast food place in my lifetime. My mouth went into an Orgasmic shock. My mouth just wanted it to stay in my mouth and never travel anywhere else ever again. Finally my throat grabbed a hold of the food and hugged it .. all the way down .. never wanting to let go until my stomach got the last laugh. The whole time I have this look of shock in my eyes as I just ingested one of the best things I have ever tasted in my life.

McDonalds, I never really liked you in my honest opinion. Your food was full of bad fats and very bad cholesterol. But with this invention of the Southern Style Chicken Biscuit, all your wrong doings are wiped away. I’m not going to start eating all your other foods but you will definitely be receiving at most ONCE a week $3.

I applaud you Ronald. You did good kid .. you did good. Get out there and get one .. you’ll see.

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Grinds My Gears – 21st Birthday Edition

Thursday, 19 Jun 2008- Written by

Welcome to yet another installment of “What Really Grinds My Gears”. Yeah, seems to be lately that has become a place to bitch and moan. Oh Nay Nay, it has definitely not. Just seems to be pure luck two posts are back to back rants. I digress, our topic today ‘The annoying people who celebrate there 21 st Birthdays at the bar’.

I have thought about writing about this topic many of times but not until recently. I was sitting at my local favorite watering hole The Nutty Irishman Farmingdale, when two girls come up to me and I get a shoulder tap. I’m sitting there enjoying a nice conversation with my friend CONNERS while these two girls stop me mid-conversation. If I don’t know you, you’re a girl and I’m talking to someone face to face and you still feel the need to speak with me please make it more important then what happen next. Ok, so the shoulder tap happens and I spin to my left and there are two good-looking girls there so naturally this does not irk me and respond “Hi, what’s up”. The girls instead of starting off with the usual “hello, my name is (insert name), How are you doing” it starts off with “I think you should buy my friend a shot”. I counter with “Why?” because I would like to know why I am spending my hard earned money on some random drunk girl. She recants with “Because its her 21 st birthday, (drunk girl screechy voice) WHoOoOoOoO!”. I look at CONNERS as if I just heard someone say “excuse me buy me a shot its my friends birthday then we are going to probably leave and try this on some other dumb guy” oh wait I DID just hear that come out of some girls mouth, maybe not so deliberately but it was pretty close.

I reacted like this “How about you start off with telling me your name and talking before you demand shots”. One of the girls then decides to make the ‘Ewe’ face like I just ripped ass after eating Taco Bell. Apparently this was too hard to ask of the girl who’s birthday it wasn’t. I then get into a little conversation with the birthday girl and ask just the basics ‘name, what she does, what spots on her body would she like me to cum on when I pull out (jk)’. I politely let her know since I really don’t know her that I’ll buy her a drink later if she finds me. She chalks it up as a ‘semi-win’ if she remembers my face later at all, which I doubt because I then see them no more then 25 minutes later trying the same old song and dance on another guy then walking away from him. To you Miss ‘I just turned 21 buy me a shot’ go kill yourself. Let me teach you something you learn with age, your supposed to pre-game before you get to the bar so just in case that whack line of “its my birthday” (god only knows if it really was) that you think is going to work on smart older guys at the bar you have another thing coming.

Only Hours after she solicited me for a shot

Next is the Birthday hoe train that comes into the bar absolutely plastered out of their mind. This group can be easily identified when the birthday girl is wearing a tiara that states “It’s my 21 st Birthday”. Yeah, you know the one they give you when you turn 2-3-4 and maybe 5 years old as a girl. Listen, You look stupid and ridiculous. Why must you need a crown to celebrate your birthday? Are you the Queen of all birthdays for this day? No, you are not there are plenty of other plastered girls out there who aren’t wearing tiara’s (who probably look better then you) but have enough respect for themselves to not look like a moron. Do me a favor just take the stupid tiara off after you come from the strip club with your girlfriends oh and on top of that the penis straws could stay at the club too. No need to drag them around all night and put them in every drink you drink unless you a really are going to have a dick in your mouth at the end of the night. Don’t get me wrong I would love to supply the dick but you look like a whore. And in that case my myspace is here. (jk) (No seriously my myspace link is right here). Your tiara is just a dead giveaway.

There is also another myth that if you just turn 21 that automatically that gives you the right to go up on stage and dance like its ‘freestyle time’ at the Soul Train. This is totally FALSE. There is a dance floor for a reason, you are not a celebrity of the night by turning 21 nor will you probably be ever so join the rest of the peasants on the dance floor and drop your 5th beer on the ground for the night instead of up on stage. ONLY EXCEPTION to this rule is, if your going to show us your cans or where babies come from. Either, or of the two are the only exceptions.

Text to eachother prior: “Omg Jill .. hrry MS pix in B-room ASAP

Now this is not a 21st birthday thing but I think all girls suffer from this problem. Going to the bathroom to have a photoshoot. There are tons of pictures on myspace of girls at a bar/club taking pictures wit eachother in the bathroom .. on the sinks .. in the stalls. Honestly the only picture I want to see is of you either puking or you taking a piss. I’m not really into the water sports but its better then you on top of the sink with an empty Bud Light bottle trying to put on your best ‘im sexy pursed lips pose’ but in all actuality your really putting on your ‘Oh I’m not making it till 1am and I’m so throwing up all over my covers pose’. As a dude if he would go into the bathroom with his boys and have a little photo sesh? You would get punched in the face on the spot. Girls take note from the guys .. get in there do your poops/pees and get out of there and if there are any paper towels left wash your hands (lol). Oh on the way out .. check your feet cause you probably have some toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Yes you will look retarded walking around with a tiara an empty bud light and a foot long sheet of charmin hanging off your shoe. Do us a favor check your feet before you leave the bathroom, because chances are when you take it off outside the bathroom someone else will be stuck with your chore of picking up toilet paper off the ground.

Don’t e-mail me or message me on myspace saying that “oh brian your just jealous or stop hating” because you know what I’m just stating the truth and if someone wants to contest it fine write me and i’ll post it here. This is more like me just stating the obvious of what everyone else is thinking in the bar so just take it as a helpful hint when celebrating your 21 st birthday you up-and-comers.

(John gets semi-credit for content in this article)

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The Return of Bobby Light

Tuesday, 10 Jun 2008- Written by

Ladies and Gentlemen He is back. The overly intoxicated, hilarious and downright nasty Bobby Light. This time he was out drinking in the Hamptons for his friend Charlie’s birthday when he just felt the need to get some candy from a convenience store and then pump some gas. All while doing so in his now famous Red and Black Tiger pattern thong. Hilarity ensues at the expense of others. The videos are slow to get to the action but when they do you will truely enjoy the video. – Bobby Light pumps gas in a thong from Brian Cinelli on Vimeo. – Bobby Light gets candy in a thong from Brian Cinelli on Vimeo.

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A Hot, Steamy Story .. Literally

Thursday, 5 Jun 2008- Written by

*Girls are going to find this post gross but for the select few who can see this as something just funny that I’m talking about then thanks, for the girls that are disgusted tough shit. Literally.*

It’s common for guys when they are in there own guy packs that they talk about taking shits and such. It’s a common conversation. Here is how a conversation might go:

Ricky: “What’s up man”
Bobby: “Nothing man chillen”
Ricky: “You are not going to believe the shit I took today”
Bobby: “Please go on”
Ricky: “So I was at the gym and I had a protein shake before hand and I was halfway through my workout when my stomach started rumbling. I immediately dropped the weights and ran to the bathroom and did work. I sat there for 10 minutes and produced the longest log of shit in my life. Honestly it had to measure up to at least 13-14 inches. I took my shoe off just to use as a size comparison as if you would use a quarter to show how big something is. Awesome right?”
Bobby: “Thats fucking sick dude! .. did you get a picture”
Ricky: “Yep, right here on my camera phone”
:: Shows Camera Phone Picture ::
Bobby: “Send it to me my friends won’t believe the story”

Yes, that is how many conversations in my life have gone. Ladies open up your mans phone and look through his pictures there HAS to be one picture of a shit that he is so proud of. To this day my brother Tom has a picture of a shit he took back in college when he was dorming at Adelphi as a Polaroid. Dead serious.

Well here comes my story of shitting. I been taking all sorts of supplements trying to bulk up for the summer and shed weight at the same time. My stomach seriously is in shambles at times. I usually am able to regulate it with eating things more fibrous to help me poop. Well 2 days passed and no poop. No problem, man created something to help called ex-lax (or the cheap Walgreens version called ‘SUPER LAX’). I splurged the $5 for a blister pack of 20 to help with the passing of waste.

I read the back of the box and it says it should help you pass from 1/2 hour to 6 hours after taking it. It also suggests that you take 2 pills every 12 hours for good results a.k.a. so you basically have a laxative induced enema. I pop two of these green bad boys and down a bottle of water and play the waiting game. 11 a.m. rolls around and nothing not even a rumbling in my stomach. 1 p.m. rolls around, still nothing not even a fart even after eating grilled chicken and vegetables only 20 minutes prior. Now its 3 p.m. and I leave in an hour, seriously nothing is happening. 3:50 and 25seconds there is an explosion in my stomach. Honestly I farted into my desk chair and nearly shit myself. I had to fucking DUCK speed walk to the bathroom so I wouldn’t mess my pants.

There are only 3 Stalls and two of them were taken. Thank god the last one was open. I run/walk/waddle all the way to the last one that is open and I swear I turned my jeans into those ones you can rip off like the NBA players wear. Pants came off in a snap. I barely got my ass over the bowl until BRATTTATTTAAAAAAATTTTTTAAAATTTA ….. BRAAATTTATAATATATATATATTAAAATTAA. As sick as I am, I’m laughing the whole time. My stomach is in knots but I’m just worrying I’m not losing a vital organ in the toilet. This all goes on for about 5-7 minutes. The bulk of the load made its way out on the intial explosion, but the quantity was there.

This is where the story gets really funny. Now you’ll only appreciate this story if you have seen the movie “Problem Child” and if you haven’t seen the movie seriously your a moron. In the movie Junior (the ‘problem child’) has a mooching grandpa who has a dog named “Spunky”. Well Junior gets the idea to feed him this new dog food that is out that looks disgusting. He feeds it to poor old Spunky and they cut away then cut back to him. There is a MOUNT of shit about 6 feet high and the dog is just a little old 1 foot long terrier. Where does this play into my story?

Well I’m done with my shit and I get up to clean up this mess and look back (come on who doesn’t admire there own damage from time to time) and I shit you not (no pun intended) there was a pile about 7-8 inches high in the toilet so much so that half of the 7-8 inches of shit was above water. Yes, I produced enough shit that the water level could not contain it. I did not have my camera on me to depict this masterful one of a time shit but I will provide an artists rendering of the scene (just like they do in court).


Moral of the story: If your going to take any sort of laxative, Do it at your own risk and do it at home so if you DO mess yourself you can take care of it shamefully in your house and not at work. Because seriously who keeps a spare change of clothes for the chance they might shit yourself (learned my lesson). Oh one more lesson my brother Tom has I.B.S..

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