Thursday, 7 Feb 2008- Written by Brian
We have all been there, the bar is packed from front to back and you have to make it to your friends who always think its a good idea to chill in the back (sick). There are many ways to achieve this goal and I’m going to list a few people you meet along the way and maneuvers to get you from point A to fucking point B which feels like miles away.
There is always that group of dickheads who seem to never want to move when you say excuse me and never make eye contact to acknowledge you. If you don’t know what I’m talking about .. YOUR THAT GUY(s). Since when did you take it upon yourselves to become the stone pilars of the bar? Unlike you I move around the bar talking to different groups of friends and saying hello. Sorry If you came there with your ‘boys’ and you marked off your spot accordingly without the inkling to move. I will give you a visual profile of this person(s). You have a smug look on your face like your going to grind on every peice of pussy in the place but fail to make any moves while grab assing with your boys. Unmovable you hold your $3 bud light close to your chest and bop around staring people down that pass by. I ask politely “excuse me” while you sit there and ignore me and not make eye contact. Thats when I take it upon myself to kinda put one arm out and push you out of the way ever so gently until you make eye contact and I now say smugly “excuse me, thank you” while looking you dead in the eyes as I pass. Thanks dick you made my night at the bar that much entertaining douche bag. Go back to standing next to the bar downing Jager bombs with your boys playing ‘lets get so fucked up girls don’t want to speak/dance with us’. Piece of advice .. pace yourself drinking .. move around a little bit and the girls will come as the night goes on. Instead you sit there and do the latter .. then at the end of the night when your jerking yourself off to your own ass in the mirror while I’m plowing a hot girl in my bed and spent no money on her drinks while you paid my freight thinking buying girls drinks is going to win you the battle. Hats off to you.
Then there is the guys/girls who think they are trying out for ‘so you think you can dance and believe they OWN the dance floor. Making it impossible for you to navigate through a big crowd because they want to ‘crunk’ on the dance floor. You my friend can go kill yourself. Ok, you might have some moves (in your head) but there is no reason to clear out room for yourself to do fucking head spins. By the way, people have been dropping glasses on the floor all night chances are 10-1 you touch that floor with anything other then your shoe your going to the hospital for some stitches Mr. Timberlake. I understand you go to a bar for music and the DJ .. but there is a time and a place for everything. When the bar is packed to the balls go drop some E and grind on each other until you make babies. Sounds way more logical then being a hazard to others with your windmill kicks.
The group of gossip girls who giggle and have had way to many apple martinis. They think they are being watched by paparazzi but realistically it’s there best friend screaming “MYSPACE PICTURE!” and “OMG my BFF JILL get in the pic and show me where your babies come from”. You can spot them because all the juice heads and druggies are buying them endless shots for the reason of taking them home. Chances of taking home one of those girls who come in a pack .. slim to none. If you have ever watched the Dave Chappelle “great moments in hookup history” there is no way to take one of these girls home because they made a pact at the beginning of the night to “go home together” like its a fucking lesbian orgy about to happen at there house. More then likely they will be outside the bar shortly laying on the concrete in their own puke. Avoid them. When you try to get past them they give you the pursed lips look and giggle and think there hot shit so they barely budge. This is when you move your drink around a little bit to make sure you spill a little on them so they feel it and move and say “what the fuck” .. then you say “excuse me babe i’ll buy you a shot when I come back around” they will gladly move after that. If they somehow come into contact with you any anytime after this incident say you have a twin brother at the bar and send her on the wild goose chase. These girls .. are bad news but come in boat loads.
Of course there are always the cooperative bunch who are just bar regulars and feel your pain. You can tell who they are because they give you the nod because they just spent 25 minutes getting to the spot that your at now. Give them the nod back and keep moving along you got friends to see. Thank you Ronnie “the regular” you are a gentleman and a scholar!
Every bar has the drug posse. They are probably one of the most easiest to spot because they are staring at all the pretty lights on the dance floor like a caveman who just created fire. Usually they are chewing on straws and barely striking conversation with each other. This group is a bunch of lost causes because not only do they not see you or hear you when you try to get by but the chances are they are in a coma but standing upright. You can usually just push these guys aside with no problem or altercation. When they do come too .. they usually go grab a water from the bar because there brain is about to explode out the top of their skulls. If you’d like poke em .. jab them with an elbow .. anything because its fun. You know how you have that grandma in the old folks home who has dementia or have that Robert Dinero disease from ‘awakenings’ they resemble them the most. Put them in a funny pose and see how long they stay there. Now get back on your mission to your friends on the other side of the bar you sicko!
No night would be complete without encountering the UFC hopefuls. They are the ones who feel like its there right to police the bar. If you look at them the wrong way they are going to make you tap out. With that said they are another group of guys easy to spot. Sporting there always famous ‘TAP OUT’ shirts with occasional sleeves of tattoos these guys are preying upon those people trying to get to other spots of the bar. They are smart too, because they set up road blocks every 10 feet from each other dieing to test out there new Mixed Martial Arts moves on the unsuspecting. I would say avoid them at all costs before they put you in an arm bar and make you feel like your arm is caught in a newspaper press. They are easy to spot so take caution. Oh another way to spot them is look for the guys all jacked up on Red Bull and assorted schnapps, yes that is them.
Not trying to get all racist here but I have to point out these select few people. Since this is done out of comedy and most of these groups are white people I have to share the wealth. The ethnic crowd that keeps to them selfs. Usually these guys are preying on the girls who sneak into the bar and are underage trying to woo them with there soldier boy dance. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then I guess your retarded. They rarely buy drinks because quite honestly they don’t want to drink. They just want to grind up on some ass to earn some credit from there boys for harassing poor girls. Not all ethnic crowds are like this but use your own judgment. They won’t move either. You could be the pope or P. Diddy they wont budge. If they move they will get clowned by there boys and then your going to have a fight on your hands .. usually 100 on just you. If you were the paperboy in the popular Nintendo game you would avoid them like the random oil slicks in the game. Proceed with caution.
Your almost there so keep moving on!
Oh wait a fight broke out in front of you. Now you have to watch out for the Bouncers. You dont’ have to watch out for the bouncers they are there for your protection .. right? Wrong, they push anything and anyone out of there way. You can be a 5’2″ 110lb girl, they are going to TRAMPLE you! You have to keep a keen eye out for these guys. They knock you over or your drink out of your hand .. what you going to do? Complain? They are merely doing there jobs keeping the peace. Not only are they swim moving you across the top of your head to get to the rukus, they are stiff arming clothes lining and shoving randoms out of there way. Here is another video game reference to make it easier. They are the trucks and you are frogger. You get hit be them its game over! Plain and Simple. They are very easy to spot because of there STAFF shirts and mostly because there HUGE averageing 6’3″ or higher with a weight about 3x more then yourself. Stay out off the train tracks when they are coming through! (pictured is my little brother John he’s harmless I swear.. lol)
Well that concludes the people you meet along the way of navigating yourself through a packed bar in hopes of catching up with your friends before they even leave. Oh fuck! Its been 2 hours of trying to criss cross, zig zag your way through the bar? Yep, your friends are gone. No doubt about it. Well at least I’m still here to share a brew with you .. Drink up!
Saturday, 22 Dec 2007- Written by Brian
Well as for our target audience males between the age of 15 to 40, I would say 90% of them partake in the yearly ritual of Fantasy Football. This year was a rather crazy year in Fantasy Football. The year could be called the “year of the reciever” which hasn’t happened since I have been playing FF (which is roughly 8-9 years). Out of the top 3 running backs two of them were basically busts with the fourth being a huge bust. I will explain in my list I have compiled with this years BEST and BUST ‘s list. Well here is my list.
Wes Welker: Short of basically performing fellatio on the guy he has been key to me making the championship this year. I really didn’t go Running back heavy in my league and picked up Quaterback first with P. Manning, T.O., and Portis. I relied heavily on the WR’s. Welker on top of Tom Brady putting up a freakish numbers this year, Welker came out of the blue when most though Moss would be Brady’s only target. Welker as of Week 15 has hauled in 8 touchdowns and has over 1,000 yards receiving. Oh and guess what he was picked up in the 14th round by me. Talk about a late draft steal. After seeing him last year with Miami returning kicks and surprising people at WR I knew he must be mine. Hence why he is a BEST!
Adrian Peterson: Here is a funny story, there wasn’t a week or two that went by in the begining of the season that Uncle Neil didn’t curse himself up and down for not starting Adrian when he had great weeks. I mean pretty much every week he put up great numbers fantasy wise but the games be played against San Diego and Chicago (great defenses) he scored 3 touchdowns in each and ran for 200+ yards each game. As John would say he is the MAN-child. Adrian you are going in the 1st round next year in every draft so enjoy your offseason you earned it.
Brian Westbrook: Even though you probably went 1st or 2nd round in every Fantasy Football League no one knew you were going to have a better year then LT, Gore, Jackson, and Addai. You put up 1,200 yards rushing with 7 TD’s and 700 yards Recieving with 5 TD’s (by week 15). You were peoples wet dreams all season. If you were on my team I would of physically mailed you a letter thanking you for your production this year (and for your team not making the playoffs *i’m a Giants fan*). It’s too bad I hope you suffer a week 15 injury, just for the game not career or season. Basically because I am playing you in the playoffs but once again thanks for showing everyone that Fantasy Football isn’t all cut and dry with who is the best running back in the game.
Derek Anderson: Even though you weren’t even picked in most Fantasy Drafts you have improved I would say 110% over last year. I took you getting the starting spot by default and getting scared that the GREAT Brady Quinn from Notre Dame being drafted onto your team to step up your performance. That is my own grip with you. After your Week Two 328 Yards Passing with 5 TD’s (1 Int) game everyone started picking you up like you were the only slightly beautiful girl in the bar and it was last call. Derek if I was quick enough I would of picked you up but I probably picked up some loser instead. You didn’t tail off either you put up some amazing numbers all season and your trying to lead your team to your first playoff appearance since 2002. For that I salute you! Even though you look like a retard in this photo.
Earnest Graham: Now this is a Wavier Wire Wonder. He was sitting there for weeks until Caddy Williams went out for the season with an injury. Most people sat him on the bench until he put up decent numbers then broke out for after the Bucs bye week in week 11. You probably earned yourself a starting spot at RB or will split a carries next year. For every owner who picked you up has started you every week since. You have definitely solidifed yourself as a threat this year in Fantasy Football. You look like the guy I see begging for change every week when I get off the Subway on Chambers Street but that is neither here nor there. Congrats on making my BEST list.
Thomas Jones: You were supposed to have a break out year with the Jets. What happened? You didnt’ even score your first touchdown until Week 13 and has YET to score another touchdown since. Any owner who picked you up (me being one) is kicking themselves in the ass. Thank god I used you as trade bait with Brees (again kicking myself in the ass) for Frank Gore. Major Disappointment! Its pretty bad when your brother has 1 more touchdown then you and almost more rushing yards and he SPLITS carries with Marion Barber. You have left me with a bad taste in my mouth .. kinda like most girls I date. Just kidding.. but seriously. Thanks for being a BUST!
Vince Young: Seriously the WORST Fantasy Starting Quaterback. Even though you found ways to win and probably get your team to the playoffs. You did JACK SHIT on my fantasy teams. You not only helped me lose games but come on last year you were a beast. Madden curse? Well you didnt’ get hurt but you sure as hell sucked. I should of thought twice when picking you but of course I let your big name overwhelm me when picking a Quarterback. Vince I would rather of picked Jeff Garcia then you .. and that is terrible. Vince thanks for NOTHING!
Santana Moss: Other then looking like a zugg in your team photo you sucked this year. Having Only 1 Touchdown and breaking 100 yards only ONCE late in the season you possibly were the biggest let down in the WR department. You sat yourself out of a game because of your performance. What the FUCK! This is the NFL you are supposed to give 110% every game and if your not .. you just look to improve. You did neither. And basically I can tell you to go fuck yourself. I know Jason Campbell wasn’t the best of Quarterbacks but he was throwing your way most of the time. Jeez get your head out of your ass for next year please so I can pick you up in the last round where you deserve to get picked up from now on.
Alge Crumpler: You were one of the Top 5 Tight Ends last year and all you did this year was bitch and moan about Mike Vick not being there and your coach that it made him leave. Seriously, you had a shit year because of yourself. It’s not the Quarterbacks fault you sucked and couldn’t catch a god damn pass in the red zone. If you kept your head out of your ass which is a big head I might add you could of had a decent year at TE. But NO! You been sitting in the Wavier pool for most of the season cause you suck. You know its bad when Shockey has had a terrible year and he is still doing better then you. Alge do me a favor get into dog fighting and leave the NFL please. Thanks.
Bears Defense: Monsters of Midway my ass! You guys won’t even finish above .500. Don’t blame it on Quaterback woes. You did make it to the Superbowl last year with Rex “I’m so fucking” Grossman as your quaterback. Obviously the defense has dropped a lot from last year to this year. I picked you in 3 of my 5 fantasy leagues and dropped you basically halfway through the season. If Devin Hester didnt’ win games for you guys you would be in the same boat as the Miami Dolphins. Your my second favorite team because I love amazing defensive teams, and you let me and all of Chicago down. Have fun being the new Cubs.
Honorable Mention for BESTS: R.Moss, T.Brady, T.Homo, B. Farve
Dis-Honorable Mentions for BUSTS: R.Brown, J. Shockey, A. Vinitieri, D. Stallworth, D. McNabb
Just goes to show you how much Fun you can have with Fantasy Football and how much it can let you down. Well until next year Happy and Healthy Holidays to all .. and GO Giants!
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Monday, 19 Nov 2007- Written by Brian
The rankings and profiles are on the people that are believed to be playing this year in the Turkey Bowl. Some may not play and others will fill in but for now these are the people that are playing.
2006 in Review:
Well in 2006 “Team Dynasty” defeated “The Franchise” by two touchdowns. Last year was the first year of the Turkey Bowl Draft. “Team Dynasty” was represented by General Manager and President of Operations Adam Kruger, and “The Franchise” was represented by GM and POO Tom Cinelli. The 1st pick ever for a Dirty Dalerz Turkey Bowl went to Rob “I eat everything in sight” Romano. And that was to be believed as the first mistake that “The Franchise” would make…
The Most Valuable Player went to the #2 pick in the 2006 draft, Tim “screw you Tom for not picking me #1″ Treubig. The weather made it a very difficult for guys like John “MR. CHUNKY SOUP” Cinelli and Walter “Polish Sausage” Celenski to make their diamond like cuts in the grass. As the amount of mud puddles and rain increased the level of play decreased. As the level of play decreased Ryan “Yao Ming” Heller still managed to be 2 feet taller than everyone else on “Team Dynasty.” The tall bastard was able to reel in 3 TD passes from Tom “The Farmingdale Roger Clemens” Cinelli all due to the fact that no one could reach as high as him, once again I reinstate, he’s a tall bastard. But with the combination of Treubig’s 4-TDS & 2-INTs, Dennis “I weigh 150lbs soaking wet” Treubig’s 2-INTs, Daro’s & BC’s slot receiver type play, Matt “look who’s jacked now” Matt’s tackling ability, Adam’s golden arm and MR. Chunky Soup’s rushing touchdowns, Team Dynasty was able to pull away with a victory and the 1st ever set of Turkey Bowl Championship trophies.
2007 Player Profiles:
John “Mr. Chunky Soup” Cinelli
The former lineman of the year has taken his power to the turkey bowl stage. He is a force that cannot be stopped once he gets momentum. Some scouts have been known to call him The Juggernaut. His weekly job at the nutty irishman will give him an advantage b/c he is unable to drink the night before the Turkey Bowl, which I feel is a HUGE advantage to anyone. Also, he was seen testing for in the 40 yard dash, squat and bench press last week in a private workout for an NFL team that is not to be named. His results were a 4.6 40, benched press 500lbs, & squatted 750lbs. His 2007 fantasy status is very solid and goes up from 2006 b/c of the blocking that the massive beast can perform and once its 1st and goal… forget about it, you aint stoppin this Mack truck. And the whole job thing the night before is a jynormous advantage.
Fantasy Stock : Up 40 pts
Matt “Holy Shit I have a tricep now” Matt Williams:
The former Ultra Heavyweight has slimmed down 150lbs dating back to 2003 so as the previous years his fantasy status has increased greatly to become a top pick. Due to the fact that his biceps are bigger than everyone’s head on the field plays a big role defensively and offensively. Working out wise he is well above anyone because he works out everyday for atleast 13 hours, but the question that has quarreled the scouts is how much of that 13 hour workout is dedicated to running? His 2007 fantasy stock rises once again for a 4th straight year due to the fact that he is going to be AMPED to play football and wear a medium sized tank top.
Bench Press: 730lbs 27 times
Squat: 13 hooter girls which accumulated to over 1350lbs and the average boob size of a 36F
One armed Bicep Curl: 135lbs 17 times
Fantasy Stock: Up 50 pts
B “If thursday night beer pong at the nutty was a chick, I would marry it” C:
BC is one of the originators of this game and the creator of the dirty dalerz website. He is the one who usually spends the most time getting an outfit together for the game and wants to wear the weirdest shit possible, but he does rep Under Armour pretty well, which is good b/c Im an investor in Under Armour. (and all of you should be too) BC over the years has not been the STAR of the game but is always a solid pick b/c he is a down right hustler and scouts have been known to compare him to Wes Welker of the Patriots. Which could mean that he can have his breakout year in 2007 as Welker is doing. As always, his stock value goes down a little bit b/c he is also the creator of the thursday night beer pong at the nutty irishman. Sometimes you don’t know where his head is at, either football or the beer pong. In my fantasy analysis I am predicting that BC will be a sleeper in 2007 and stun some son of a bitches.
Bench Press: 40 lbs (we tried the barbell bench press but it didn’t happen)
Squat: 135lbs (hey we were able to use the barbell for this one!)
Fantasy Stock: Up 3 pts (last year we couldnt use the barbell for squat)
Chris “if I was italian i would definitely be a blowout club dancer” Carrabballo:
This is my pick for the person in the best shape. The one reason why is because everytime i go to a bar, the fucken kid is dancing the whole time, and because he’s mexican. Out of birth mexicans are naturally faster than any americans. Over the years, nacho (his real name) has also been a solid pick just as BC. He was a receiver in highschool which adds value to his stock and the fact that the kid doesnt drink as much as the other players in the turkey bowl also adds value to his stock.
Training: has been seen playing dance dance revolutions everyday for 3 hours
Bench Press: 65lbs
40 yard dash: 3.5 sec
Fantasy Stock: Up 20 points
Tom “I look chinese when I drink” Hind:
The 2005 turkey bowl MVP had an impressive game last year with 2 TDs and some quality receptions. Now I was able to catch an interview with the One-Time MVP and realized something, He loves himself. I asked him for a brief summary of his 2006 statistics and he gave me a profile of his football play as if he was going on Match.com. He himself is saying that hes a top pick and is going to have a big game on thanksgiving. Before the interview I was going to give him props b/c he doessss have good hands and his hair is a bit shorter from last year which can add to his speed, but now i dont know if i want to after his comments about himself. This trash talk from Chinese Tommy Hind may effect him b/c he will have people gunning for him which could hurt his chances of having a big game, but due to the previous years and the game he had in 2005 and the solid game in 2006. His stock kinda has to rise this year.
40 yard dash: 4 flat……………………………. in minutes
Fantasy Stock: up 50 points b/c technically he is a very solid pick
Walter “Polish Idol here I come” Celenski:
This is my 2007 Fantasy top pick. The reason is because he can throw the ball 70 yards on a rope but also play receiver and defense. One big downgrade is that in the previous years he has been faulted with injuries. He had to sit out for a couple of plays last year due to a hamstring injury that has been hindering him since he was 10. This polish mammoth can bring the heat when it comes to tackling on defense as well. As Thomas Hind I was able to catch an interview with Walter and I am going to quote walter in saying, “I’m defintely gettting bombed Thanksgiving Eve….but I don’t want to cramp up like I did last year. So I might not get that bombed.” I mean c’mon, IS THAT FOR REAL? It’s Thanksgiving Ever… everyone and their mother goes out and gets bombed. Thats the point of the game.. to play hungover. He is my fantasy top pick but I really want to push him down for this comment. Morally this hurts me but I have to say fantasy wise this could have the potential to help him b/c he wont be that drunk. But now it is everyone’s job who sees Walter out thanksgiving eve to give him a drink so his quote backfires on him.
40 yard dash: 6 minutes… he hurt his hamstring again while testing and fell to the ground but I kept the time going until he crossed that line
Key Note: Witnesses have seen him doing right arm bicep curls to add to the strength of his arm, look for a 100 yard bomb to a receiver from this kid
As the TBC (Turkey Bowl Committee) agreed if walter is seen out thanksgiving eve and is not drinking … all of his stats will have an asterik next to them
Fantasy Stock: up 100 points
Tom “Bear Claws” Cinelli:
The man with the original golden arm. Tom has been used to having the top gun basically in Farmingdale when it comes to being a QB. But in 2007, the rise of Walter Celenski’s arm is putting pressure on that title. His size does keep his stock at a hold because he is not what we like to call a “scrambling” quarterback. His arm does make up for that though. In the past couple years he has been able to throw for over 10 touchdowns easily. Lately, he has been rumored to be concentrating on baseball (which actually has a future other than the turkey bowl) which could mean that he will not play in 2007. This will hurt fantasy owners because he can be taken as high as #1 technically. He has been cleaning pools for a couple years which adds to his overall strength and add to that arm of his. Last year he was a team captain and made the horrible mistake of picking Rob “The underground HOtdog eating champ” Romano as the first pick. Scouts compare him to Romo and his “holding” mistake that he made in the playoffs last year and how Romo is trying to bounce back from that mistake. Depending on the format of the draft this year, Tom will be a reliable pick, if he’s not doing the picking.
40 yard dash: 1 hour…… we started the timer then he went to go eat lunch instead but came back realizing that we were still timing
right arm bicep curl: 100 lbs
left arm: 15 lbs
Fantasy Stock: If he plays and he has a good receiver it can be lights out for the man with Bear Claw Marks. Up 70 points
Bobby “I have the hormones of a pregnant woman” Horan:
I have not had the pleasure to know Bobby very long and have only hung out with him a couple times. Here is what I can come up with for his fantasy analysis. He has no previous statistics because he will be a rookie this year. All i can say is, i was at a softball game this past summer in which his team lost.. HE WENT NUTS and wanted to fight the other team. If that happens in softball, holy shit, someone is going to die in the turkey bowl. I have other people saying that he has wanted to fight other teams as well in softball, which I may remind you, is not a contact sport. He’s got the size and speed to absolutely dominate this game and put pressure on the record that there has never been a back to back MVP award winner. I do not know how is hands are for receiving but I can only imagine that he is a beast on defense.
Fantasy Stock: up 500 points… no one has any idea what he can do and i think hes going to do real well
Danny “Back in the day Hawks all star Free Safety” Hilton:
First off I want to say that there is no relation between Dan and Paris Hilton. Dan is black and Paris is a slut. ALthough I think he has stayed at a Hilton Hotel once. I have known Dan since we were little and he also is a rookie for the Turkey Bowl. The kid is a sick athlete and this game may bring back his old free safety days. This year was the first year he played with the Dirty Dalerz softball team, and he dominated that, so why won’t he dominate his first year in the turkey bowl? A question that only he will answer. As in softball, his father was there to coach his team, and if this happens on thanksgiving.. there is no stopping his team. I have full confidence in Danny getting really trashed on thanksgiving eve so as everyone else his level of play will come down a bit, but overall I think he will be a stud.
100 yard dash- 8 seconds
INTs throughout life- 1,008 total
Fantasy Stock: Dan’s: up 900 points His Dad’s: up 2000 points
Charlie “a pack a day” Spahr
His 2007 status is in question b/c no one knows if he has to work or not. Although everyone is certain that he still smokes like a chimney which means that his stamina will be horrific as usual. Even though he smokes still his job requires him to be in shape so he may surprise the shit out of everyone and run circles around us. The likelihood of that happening is as likely as a midget grabbing Yao Ming’s balls. He still manages to get atleast 10 tackles a game and the occassional shocker of a reception AND yards after the reception. As usual charlie is a sleeper and is a risky but good pick because he hasnt lost all of his athleticism, if anything he gained more from working.
40 yard dash: time is still running.. he started to smoke a cigarette instead and just said fuck it to the test and left to go buy more cigarettes
Fantasy stock: up 40 points
Ryan “Farmingdale’s Yao Ming” Heller
Ryan is the tallest member of the turkey bowl and will probably always have that title. He has huge advantages with his height, his great hands, and his past of playing football. There is not one person that can leap as high as him, but maybe this year someone will be able to, and that person is Danny Hilton. Heller is used to playing against the other black guy in the game, Matt Matt. As you know Matt Matt is known for his massive size and the ability to run you over like a mack truck, not his jumping ability. But now we have another black guy in the mix, the chances of someone jumping as high as heller has increased greatly. Still I think he’s listed at 6″9, which is ridiculous considering the next person closest to him is like 6″3. I think he has a wingspan of 9 feet too, which I mean is quite crazy but its true. Heller has a huge upside and is like the White Plaxico Burress when it comes to being in the red zone, just float it up to him and hes almost 100%. He has had injuries in the past though which do hurt his ultimate performance, but i dont think it should slow him down b/c 90% of the people playing are retired athletes trying to make it in softball.
Fantasy Stock: depending on health, up 60 points
Tim “Where the fuck have you been” Rogers
Tim Rogers is making his first annual appearance in the turkey bowl. I think he was sick of watching us play and finally decided to grow a pair of balls. He has been hurt for the past 24 years with a shoulder injury, right out of birth he separated his shoulder. He had has trouble eating cereal with his shoulder, let alone playing football. I have no idea what the hell he’s going to do, but I can garauntee you that he will be VERY hungover for the game.
Fantasy Stock: up 1/2 point
Adam “I’ve had 10 motorcycles over the past 2 years” Kruger:
The man has been playing QB for the past couple years and has thrown well over 20 touchdown passes. The guys got a cannon for an arm but there are now 3 guys that are eligible for QB. Im gonna go out on a limb here and say that he has not been running to stay in shape. But I do know that he has been playing as much softball as he possibly can, BUT hes a pitcher.. he doesnt even move and when hes up at bat he usually hits a homerun. So im going to say that he DEFINITELY hasn’t been running. But if he does play his usual QB position, who needs him to run. He is always a reliable pick, even though last year he was a captain and was doing the picking so we will see how the draft is done this year.
Fantasy Stock: up 50 points
Tim “the natural” Treubig:
As last year’s MVP he is the only professional athlete competing in this years turkey bowl, Tim “the Natural” Treubig figures to be a strong pick, at or near the top of the first round. Treubig has great attributes…he’s tall, strong, fast, and loves chicken and rice. He is also naturally good at all sports instantly. Along with bowling, African wild boar hunting, curling, and ping pong, football tops the list of sports at which Tim has recently picked up and dominated in. He has good hands, and is damn near impossible to cover man to man for over 2 seconds. His 40 time was clocked at 4.1 seconds…..running backwards. Tim looks to have a big day depending on who he draws in coverage. With so much upside, it is hard to imagine the downside. Well, sources close to Treubig report that he has a weak spot for Captain Morgans and Coke. The high sugar content of both the soda and Captain Morgans can figure cause a Hugeee hangover for the 6’2″ wide receiver. He has been known to black out on Thanksgiving Eve in years past…and indications are that this year will be no different. He has also been seen drinking his captain n coke and listening to Ace of Base and Backstreet boys at JJ’s Saloon in Amityville. Make no mistake though, “the Natural” looks to have a big day. As long as he’s awake for the game and able to get out of bed, he should be a force in this year’s turkey bowl.
Fantasy Stock: Up 103.7 points
Richie “Get Da Mushroom” Lieberman:
Also known on Turkey Bowl days as “The Crazy Jew who got ran over by Matt Matt.” Bubba’s stock goes terribly down b/c of the amount of alcohol he consumes the night before but it also goes dramatically up b/c of the amount of alcohol that he consumes the night before. The kid just doesnt care about his body, in one of the games he was throwing up in the middle of the field but still managed to make a play and he got ran over by the Mac Truck in Matt Matt. He will also make you laugh your ass off b/c well hes bubba. Football wise he is not the best but as on the basketball court hes a hustler and will dive, tackle, fall on his ass, or anything else to get that ball.
I asked him to get me his time for the 40. He went out bought a 40oz of Old E and chugged it in 20 seconds. Thats good enough.
Fantasy Stock: Lower end guy b/c he’ll be shitfaced but his stock has to go up b/c hes bubba. Up 30 points
Uncle “Let me in the back of the nutty” Neil:
Neil is in his 2nd year of playing in the turkey bowl and was a consistent player in his rookie debut showing a force at linebacker. He is mostly a defensive threat but a good one. Offensively he’ll block the shit out of you and if i remember correctly he got into it with Matt Matt and they both called each other out, it was awesome. This year he’ll probably do the same. As Mr. Chunky he works at the Nutty Irishman so he will not be hung over for the game, which is huge and his massive blocking capability puts his stock value way up.
Fantasy Stock: Up 40 points b/c he lost last year and hes pissed
Overall Fantasy Player Rankings:
1. Walter “I get lost driving everywhere I go” Celenski
2. Tim “Captain n Coke” Treubig
3. Danny “the 2nd black guy to play in the turkey bowl” Hilton
4. Ryan “Daddy Long Legs” Heller
5. Bobby “Temper Tantrum” Horan
6. Tom “I’m sweating reading this” Cinelli
7. Adam “Quiet Storm” Kruger
8. Matt” NO one is stopping me” Matt
9. John “I play Halo 3 way too much” Cinelli
10. Tom “Pigpen” Hind
11. Brian “YAGER BOMBS! YAGER BOMBS!” Cinelli
12. Uncle “Toughnuts” Neil
13. Chris “4’10” Mexican Maniac” Carraballo
14. Richie “Bubba “Leiberman
15. Charlie “Anyone got a stogie?” Spahr
16. Tim “my shit always works sometimes” Rogers