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One Shit Closer To Success

Saturday, 10 Jan 2009- Written by

Shit, dump, poop, doody, logs, cable, timber, crap, hot lava (c’mon you know what I’m talking about, when the poop pours out of your ass like a faucet and burns as if someone tore your buttcheeks apart too far.) Yes my friends in this post I am going to share with you a recent adventure I had while taking a Poop at work. Let me set the story up for you. Everyday around 11:15 am I like to take a nice sized poop to get rid of the previous wastes from the day before so I can put new stuff in at lunch time. Basically the saying out with the old in with the new fits perfectly here. Like clockwork I do my business and leave the employee bathroom desecrated for the next 20-30 mins. I’m telling you, the bathroom is in a state of panic kind of like what’s going down in GAZA right now and for those of you that don’t know what GAZA is you really should read the newspaper. I actually heard someone walk into the bathroom and GAG and then say “HOLY SHIT!” Then leave. I kid you not. The air gets so thick you could fold some of it up and put it in your pocket for later, not that you would want to but you get my point.

Now getting back to my story, you see the bathroom door is too big for the door frame so the door doesn’t sit flush with the frame thus it not being able to totally close all the way so I always feel like there is some poor bystander who walks past the employee bathroom and gets a small whiff of death. With that being said, we have industrial flush toilets but I guess this toilet is supercharged because when you flush it sounds like someone is turning on a jet engine and if you know me at all I’m a very thorough ass wiper and could easily flush at least 6 times. On a side note the most I’ve ever had to flush was 18 times, you may be saying to yourself that’s impossible but when it comes to Cinelli’s and shitting impossible is nothing. Yet another side note (I do hope you are taking notes) I usually bring my cell phone in and get some good amount of texting going and I normally talk online with JIMMY. Jimmy normally knows now that when I talk to him on AIM I’m normally pooping at work and to him that’s reassuring.

Now on this one particular day I was feeling very pent up and had to poop so bad and felt rumbles in my stomach that could match those of an about to erupt volcano. This time the volcano was mount ass cheeks and the lava was going to be brown and ferocious and it could possibly kill a small town of villagers. Anyways I walk into the throne room (the employee bathroom) and place my butt upon the porcelain and as soon as contact is made explosions of poop and intestines juice splatter everywhere. It got me contemplating does anyone else loathe the backsplash of poop on their butt as much as I do? Some actually say it’s kind of refreshing but I myself hate it so much. Okay moving on. I was killing it in there and almost threw up on myself because of the hideous odor but I fought through it.

After a few painstaking minutes I was finally done and was about to wipe when what happened .. yes my friends the little Spanish janitor of the office building forgot to replenish the toilet paper dispenser. I immediately wished nothing but death upon the guy. Then I thought to myself is your job that hard, I mean seriously you vacuum, you wax, you empty garbage and you make sure there is always toilet paper. Maybe that is why you’ll never get your green card because you cannot replenish ass tissues. I thought about confronting him but didn’t know if he was gang affiliated with Latin kings or ms-13 so I just let it be and wished he would get into a bus crash on his way home because he doesn’t own a car.

Anyways the only option was the roll of paper towel under the bathroom sink but I would obviously have to walk out pants around the ankles and in danger of someone opening the door and seeing my leaky bum and gigantic penis. I sat for awhile contemplating my move until the shit in my butt started crusting over in which I finally said enough is enough and sprung into action. I waddled my way out of the toilet and into the sink area reached under the sink and got the paper towel and kind of sidestepped back into the toilet area. I started to wipe and was so disappointed because paper towel is absolutely brutal on the butt and its sensitive areas. I was very sad and frustrated. I got about 4 good pieces of paper towel in the toilet now and try to flush it down. I thought it being a supercharged toilet it would have no problems. NAY NAY!!! The fucking thing clogged and there was no plunger in sight. I thought to myself what to do yet again? I looked at myself in the mirror and said fuck it once more I washed my hands and left a pile of poop lasagna in the toilet.

I was uncomfortable the whole rest of the day and the best thing about it was that the Spanish janitor had to wear a face mask to clean it up later on in the day. Overall my poopscapade was by far up there on the worst one ever but I fought through it and got things done. I hope my story is a tool for all of you out there to learn from my mistakes and always check the toilet paper dispenser before depositing your own poo babies.

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