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We tell it like it is .. #realtalk

A Hot, Steamy Story .. Literally

Thursday, 5 Jun 2008- Written by

*Girls are going to find this post gross but for the select few who can see this as something just funny that I’m talking about then thanks, for the girls that are disgusted tough shit. Literally.*

It’s common for guys when they are in there own guy packs that they talk about taking shits and such. It’s a common conversation. Here is how a conversation might go:

Ricky: “What’s up man”
Bobby: “Nothing man chillen”
Ricky: “You are not going to believe the shit I took today”
Bobby: “Please go on”
Ricky: “So I was at the gym and I had a protein shake before hand and I was halfway through my workout when my stomach started rumbling. I immediately dropped the weights and ran to the bathroom and did work. I sat there for 10 minutes and produced the longest log of shit in my life. Honestly it had to measure up to at least 13-14 inches. I took my shoe off just to use as a size comparison as if you would use a quarter to show how big something is. Awesome right?”
Bobby: “Thats fucking sick dude! .. did you get a picture”
Ricky: “Yep, right here on my camera phone”
:: Shows Camera Phone Picture ::
Bobby: “Send it to me my friends won’t believe the story”

Yes, that is how many conversations in my life have gone. Ladies open up your mans phone and look through his pictures there HAS to be one picture of a shit that he is so proud of. To this day my brother Tom has a picture of a shit he took back in college when he was dorming at Adelphi as a Polaroid. Dead serious.

Well here comes my story of shitting. I been taking all sorts of supplements trying to bulk up for the summer and shed weight at the same time. My stomach seriously is in shambles at times. I usually am able to regulate it with eating things more fibrous to help me poop. Well 2 days passed and no poop. No problem, man created something to help called ex-lax (or the cheap Walgreens version called ‘SUPER LAX’). I splurged the $5 for a blister pack of 20 to help with the passing of waste.

I read the back of the box and it says it should help you pass from 1/2 hour to 6 hours after taking it. It also suggests that you take 2 pills every 12 hours for good results a.k.a. so you basically have a laxative induced enema. I pop two of these green bad boys and down a bottle of water and play the waiting game. 11 a.m. rolls around and nothing not even a rumbling in my stomach. 1 p.m. rolls around, still nothing not even a fart even after eating grilled chicken and vegetables only 20 minutes prior. Now its 3 p.m. and I leave in an hour, seriously nothing is happening. 3:50 and 25seconds there is an explosion in my stomach. Honestly I farted into my desk chair and nearly shit myself. I had to fucking DUCK speed walk to the bathroom so I wouldn’t mess my pants.

There are only 3 Stalls and two of them were taken. Thank god the last one was open. I run/walk/waddle all the way to the last one that is open and I swear I turned my jeans into those ones you can rip off like the NBA players wear. Pants came off in a snap. I barely got my ass over the bowl until BRATTTATTTAAAAAAATTTTTTAAAATTTA ….. BRAAATTTATAATATATATATATTAAAATTAA. As sick as I am, I’m laughing the whole time. My stomach is in knots but I’m just worrying I’m not losing a vital organ in the toilet. This all goes on for about 5-7 minutes. The bulk of the load made its way out on the intial explosion, but the quantity was there.

This is where the story gets really funny. Now you’ll only appreciate this story if you have seen the movie “Problem Child” and if you haven’t seen the movie seriously your a moron. In the movie Junior (the ‘problem child’) has a mooching grandpa who has a dog named “Spunky”. Well Junior gets the idea to feed him this new dog food that is out that looks disgusting. He feeds it to poor old Spunky and they cut away then cut back to him. There is a MOUNT of shit about 6 feet high and the dog is just a little old 1 foot long terrier. Where does this play into my story?

Well I’m done with my shit and I get up to clean up this mess and look back (come on who doesn’t admire there own damage from time to time) and I shit you not (no pun intended) there was a pile about 7-8 inches high in the toilet so much so that half of the 7-8 inches of shit was above water. Yes, I produced enough shit that the water level could not contain it. I did not have my camera on me to depict this masterful one of a time shit but I will provide an artists rendering of the scene (just like they do in court).

toilet

Moral of the story: If your going to take any sort of laxative, Do it at your own risk and do it at home so if you DO mess yourself you can take care of it shamefully in your house and not at work. Because seriously who keeps a spare change of clothes for the chance they might shit yourself (learned my lesson). Oh one more lesson my brother Tom has I.B.S..

1 Comment

One Response to “A Hot, Steamy Story .. Literally”

  1. Roxanne says:

    LMAO! Love the artistic visual of your poop-capede (probably spelled that wrong…oh well).

    “BRATTTATTTAAAAAAATTTTTTAAAATTTA ….. BRAAATTTATAATATATATATATTAAAATTAA.”

    hahahaa!