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Grinds My Gears – 21st Birthday Edition

Thursday, 19 Jun 2008- Written by

Welcome to yet another installment of “What Really Grinds My Gears”. Yeah, seems to be lately that has become a place to bitch and moan. Oh Nay Nay, it has definitely not. Just seems to be pure luck two posts are back to back rants. I digress, our topic today ‘The annoying people who celebrate there 21 st Birthdays at the bar’.

I have thought about writing about this topic many of times but not until recently. I was sitting at my local favorite watering hole The Nutty Irishman Farmingdale, when two girls come up to me and I get a shoulder tap. I’m sitting there enjoying a nice conversation with my friend CONNERS while these two girls stop me mid-conversation. If I don’t know you, you’re a girl and I’m talking to someone face to face and you still feel the need to speak with me please make it more important then what happen next. Ok, so the shoulder tap happens and I spin to my left and there are two good-looking girls there so naturally this does not irk me and respond “Hi, what’s up”. The girls instead of starting off with the usual “hello, my name is (insert name), How are you doing” it starts off with “I think you should buy my friend a shot”. I counter with “Why?” because I would like to know why I am spending my hard earned money on some random drunk girl. She recants with “Because its her 21 st birthday, (drunk girl screechy voice) WHoOoOoOoO!”. I look at CONNERS as if I just heard someone say “excuse me buy me a shot its my friends birthday then we are going to probably leave and try this on some other dumb guy” oh wait I DID just hear that come out of some girls mouth, maybe not so deliberately but it was pretty close.

I reacted like this “How about you start off with telling me your name and talking before you demand shots”. One of the girls then decides to make the ‘Ewe’ face like I just ripped ass after eating Taco Bell. Apparently this was too hard to ask of the girl who’s birthday it wasn’t. I then get into a little conversation with the birthday girl and ask just the basics ‘name, what she does, what spots on her body would she like me to cum on when I pull out (jk)’. I politely let her know since I really don’t know her that I’ll buy her a drink later if she finds me. She chalks it up as a ‘semi-win’ if she remembers my face later at all, which I doubt because I then see them no more then 25 minutes later trying the same old song and dance on another guy then walking away from him. To you Miss ‘I just turned 21 buy me a shot’ go kill yourself. Let me teach you something you learn with age, your supposed to pre-game before you get to the bar so just in case that whack line of “its my birthday” (god only knows if it really was) that you think is going to work on smart older guys at the bar you have another thing coming.

Only Hours after she solicited me for a shot

Next is the Birthday hoe train that comes into the bar absolutely plastered out of their mind. This group can be easily identified when the birthday girl is wearing a tiara that states “It’s my 21 st Birthday”. Yeah, you know the one they give you when you turn 2-3-4 and maybe 5 years old as a girl. Listen, You look stupid and ridiculous. Why must you need a crown to celebrate your birthday? Are you the Queen of all birthdays for this day? No, you are not there are plenty of other plastered girls out there who aren’t wearing tiara’s (who probably look better then you) but have enough respect for themselves to not look like a moron. Do me a favor just take the stupid tiara off after you come from the strip club with your girlfriends oh and on top of that the penis straws could stay at the club too. No need to drag them around all night and put them in every drink you drink unless you a really are going to have a dick in your mouth at the end of the night. Don’t get me wrong I would love to supply the dick but you look like a whore. And in that case my myspace is here. (jk) (No seriously my myspace link is right here). Your tiara is just a dead giveaway.

There is also another myth that if you just turn 21 that automatically that gives you the right to go up on stage and dance like its ‘freestyle time’ at the Soul Train. This is totally FALSE. There is a dance floor for a reason, you are not a celebrity of the night by turning 21 nor will you probably be ever so join the rest of the peasants on the dance floor and drop your 5th beer on the ground for the night instead of up on stage. ONLY EXCEPTION to this rule is, if your going to show us your cans or where babies come from. Either, or of the two are the only exceptions.

Text to eachother prior: “Omg Jill .. hrry MS pix in B-room ASAP

Now this is not a 21st birthday thing but I think all girls suffer from this problem. Going to the bathroom to have a photoshoot. There are tons of pictures on myspace of girls at a bar/club taking pictures wit eachother in the bathroom .. on the sinks .. in the stalls. Honestly the only picture I want to see is of you either puking or you taking a piss. I’m not really into the water sports but its better then you on top of the sink with an empty Bud Light bottle trying to put on your best ‘im sexy pursed lips pose’ but in all actuality your really putting on your ‘Oh I’m not making it till 1am and I’m so throwing up all over my covers pose’. As a dude if he would go into the bathroom with his boys and have a little photo sesh? You would get punched in the face on the spot. Girls take note from the guys .. get in there do your poops/pees and get out of there and if there are any paper towels left wash your hands (lol). Oh on the way out .. check your feet cause you probably have some toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Yes you will look retarded walking around with a tiara an empty bud light and a foot long sheet of charmin hanging off your shoe. Do us a favor check your feet before you leave the bathroom, because chances are when you take it off outside the bathroom someone else will be stuck with your chore of picking up toilet paper off the ground.

Don’t e-mail me or message me on myspace saying that “oh brian your just jealous or stop hating” because you know what I’m just stating the truth and if someone wants to contest it fine write me and i’ll post it here. This is more like me just stating the obvious of what everyone else is thinking in the bar so just take it as a helpful hint when celebrating your 21 st birthday you up-and-comers.

(John gets semi-credit for content in this article)

1 Comment

One Response to “Grinds My Gears – 21st Birthday Edition”

  1. whitney says:

    i linked you guys :)