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We tell it like it is .. #realtalk

What the Shit!

Friday, 18 Apr 2008- Written by

Listen, everyone who knows me, knows at times I can be very brash and forthcoming when it comes to situations I am really thrust into and have no time to soak it all in. Well point and case of this being what went down this past Sunday. Let me set this up for you in a way you can totally understand. I had a great Sunday morning woke up next to my gorgeous girlfriend Kristin, shared a few morning kisses, laid in bed and totally just relaxed to the fullest and had a great start to the day. Then, we got ready and went to lunch and had an amazing time and just really enjoyed each others company. Finally upon leaving she asks me a harmless question (or so I thought at the time) “hey babe do you want to go to IKEA with me to get some things?” I was like sure lets do it, I have nothing planned and im sure it will be fine, you know just doing the boyfriend thing…OH GOD HOW WRONG I WAS…

We arrive at IKEA only to a parking lot that holds up to 20 cars and there is nothing but pure gridlock to find a parking space, I could of sworn I saw an old lady get out of her car with a knife and stab a man who had stolen her parking spot…I totally thought it was my mind making it up so I just turned my head in fear that the old lady saw me and wanted no witnesses so I told Kristin (who was driving) to speed up a bit because I saw a parking spot that looked empty (little did she know I was in fear of the Grandma with a knife who had just commited murder). Let this go as a note and I know im beating a dead horse with this but dont let the elderly fool you, they have a lot of fight still left in them…MOVING ON…Okay so we find a parking spot after 15 minutes and then get out and head towards IKEA…Upon leaving im looking around to see all the other shoppers….In my mind Im pointing shit out….Jew, Chinese, Black, Spanish, Jew, Jew, Chinese, Chinese, CHINESE, CHINESE….and I started thinking to myself is there like a Casting call for the new godzilla movie going on inside IKEA because I felt as if everywhere I turned there was an Oriental….but it didnt phase me because I had my girl by my side and we were gonna go get some “stuff” and just enjoy each others company…(OH I WAS SO WRONG)…Let me remind everyone because I failed to mention in the beginning that this is my first time to IKEA…Ya so all the people who are reading this and knew before hand what I was getting myself into you can all suck a huge dick….lol….

Okay we get in there and it starts out nice, pretty crowded but its a Sunday….people go shopping on Sundays and thats cool and whatever but as soon as we turned the first corner it was pure CHAOS….now keep in mind IKEA likes to have huge, elaborate display cases of how rooms should be…and girls go, “oh wow I wish I had a room like that and go hey dont you babe?” and all your thinking to yourself is the next person who is walking behind me and gives me a flat tire, im gonna bash there fuckin skull in…..so you oblige her question with a “ya hunny its awesome” (cant afford it) but you play along…then about 30 seconds into the whole thing your totally uninterested in the fact of cool futons and couches and bed sheets and crazy leather pillows, you start to realize that every huge display of beds and chairs and couches are being used by the most disgusting people to either lay down or sit on or even tie your shoe on, even maybe change a babies diaper or two lol…and you think to yourself this is FUCKING GROSS….the farts being blasted into each and every piece of furniture this place has puts you in a frenzy of “BABE DONT TOUCH ANYTHING” lol not to mention the boogers, coughs and who knows if some dude just got back from the bathroom and took a huge dump and had some fudge fingers becasue he didnt whipe properly and then was rubbing it on everything (I know its a little graphic but these are the things running thru my head) you fear that you might contract the AIDS virus or some weird disease…

But you push forward and just try desperately not to breathe in to deeply…
So your walking around all these displays trying to force room for yourself to walk because IKEA probably thought it was funny when they made the walk room only big enough for a small child to walk comfortably and everyone walking is no joke dick to butt with everyone and the width is not enough to walk side by side….So as I’m walking I start launching shit with my feet and legs…Im kicking desk chairs, Lamps, Couches…Little ASIAN KIDS….pushing someone in there wheelchair out of the way….Hey listen its a dog eat dog world when it comes to IKEA and I was starting to Realize this….Well we keep on walking and have yet to come across what Kristin was looking for, so at this point I’m so in the RACIST zone its not even funny….Every walk of life was irritating me and I had some less than kind words to describe everyone…Then the creme de la creme of it all was when we entered the CHILDREN CENTER…Now I don’t know if parents knew this but its not a fucking Babysitting center and just leave your kids to play with all the different bedrooms and you’ll finish your shopping and come back to get them at your convience…What is Wrong with these people…MR.PEDIFILE could easily hit up IKEA because its a hot bed for little kids who are Unattended and lure those helpless kiddies with candies….OMG and to top it off I see little Pablito (little spanish boy) who is just sitting in this little display spinning on this cool little kiddie chair and his mother goes “IM LEAFING CHU HERE”(remember she is of spanish descent for all the you with a problem in spanish ebonics that means I am leaving you here) mind you that this boy was only roughly 3 yrs of age and his mom actually left him there….She walked around the corner and Pablito was still spinning on the chair….LOL What the FUCK!!! well I could’nt help him out because the crowd was pushing me forward because lets face it these people are animals in IKEA…We finally make it out of the “Display Department” and I thought this nightmare was over….OH WAS I WRONG…. there is a “WHOLESALE” department aka the shit is so dirt cheap that everyone rushes through the display part of IKEA only to get to the Half broken shit down in WHOLESALE….OH YESS….

What my eyes saw at that very moment we made it down the stairs was something out of a movie….there was people everywhere…Laying in hammocks, sitting in chairs, eating food, Pooping on the floor, Flying Kites….okay the pooping never happend but I could of sworn I saw a Kite or two….but seriously it was as if American law was gone and anarchy was the main stay….there was kids jumping from one huge storage rack to the next one with a 20 foot drop that was nothing but pure concrete to break there falls….there was congragations of sorts….I even no joke saw a NUN and she must of been getting her Shop on because the Convent needed better kneelers for the chairs or some shit….but anyway it was pure Insanity….finally Kristin found something she liked and we picked it up…what was it you ask….A PICTURE FRAME!!! are you kidding me?!?! I went through all that shit for a PICTURE FRAME….GOD I REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL!!! lol well I didnt mind but I just really wanted out of that fucking store…so we pay for the frame and leave and what do I see upon leaving…..the whole congragation of a jewish temple with there yamakas and lil curls flowing ever so freely and if you know me I just cant hold it in….I DIE….but that wasnt it….I see a gaggle of Asains trying to fit this humongous piece of furniture in the back seat of a compact car….oh those asians may be good at math but they lack in the common sense department so of course I do a couple of asian jokes, do a couple of well placed “Hiyaaaas” and call it a day…..However the capper to this was that IKEA leaves twine out so you can kind of makeshift tie down shit to the roof of your car in hopes that it will fall off on the 106/107 or the LIE and cause serious damage to others….but what I saw this young kid do was priceless….he must of unraveled about 35 feet of twine and proceeded to tie his little brother to the poll that was next to his car…my god….where are the parents of these kids?!? Oh yea thats right they must of left them in the Children’s Rooms department and went to go buy a new family step stool or some shit….who knows….

Finally we make it back to the car and im just so happy to be out of that HELL HOLE….I give Kristin a kiss and we leave the parking lot and make our way home and she could tell I was a little frazzled from the whole experience and it being my first time and all so she took me to get an ITALIAN ICE…..OH BOY was I happy….so the moral of the story is this….If you go to IKEA bring some PURELL and a breathing mask….and another side moral is this….Girls if you make your man go to a place that isn’t really up his alley…but he does it out of sheer love for you…make sure you get him an italian ice afterwards because it will totally make up for it….lol that is all for now…PS IKEA SUCKS…..PPS My thoughts are with you PABLITO

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