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We tell it like it is .. #realtalk

“Worse then licking a 9 Volt Battery”

Thursday, 10 Apr 2008- Written by

I am always full of fun stories and such that people love to hear. Hence why I’m in the process of writing a book about my adventures in life from regular life experiences and then the sexual experiences I have gone through. Most of them are HILARIOUS while some just straight up gross, and a few normal good ones here and there. Well since I been lacking in updating the site why not break out a chapter of my book onto here to promote it while I write it. This chapter is called “Worse then licking a 9 Volt Battery”.

—— Start of Story ——

This story happened around maybe summertime before 10th grade as my memory serves me right. I had still not had sex yet let alone get very far in my sexual adventures so I was due to have a softball thrown my way. If I had known that the softball would come in the form of the most disgusting vagina I have ever smelt or licked. I would have let the pitch go by for a strike out. Everyone knows there is nothing more embarrassing then striking out in softball but I would gladly take the abuse and embarrassment then to ever go through this again.

My best friend Charlie Spahr was known for throwing some sick parties back in the day and I believe this party took place in the summer. I always invited tons of people and so did Charlie from either work or just different groups of friends just to up the ‘cool’ factor and have an array of people at his house. Well I had been working at Adventureland that summer in the arcade either dealing out change or working the ticket counter for prizes. It was a decent job for a kid who just wanted some extra pocket change. I met tons of cool people too while working there also who I’m still friends with to this day.

There was this one girl who I thought was cute. I mean I got to see her in the gay uniforms at work everyday (referee tops) and black pants or shorts. She wore those black yoga pants which basically doesn’t leave much to the imagination and was never rocking a camel toe which every girl seems to suffer from while wearing those pants. She was well put together while at work. She had dark hair with little blond highlights, decent chest, sick tight ass and a decent face with barely any blemishes.

We would always flirt at work and play around with each other. One of the guys I used to pal around with when I was working there was trying to put in the good word for me there, and did so successfully. She was diggin’ me and I was diggin her.

One day Charlie tells me to invite some girls over we are going to have a bash at his house his parents are away so that meant we could be as loud as we wanted and could stay up as late partying as we wanted so this was a big deal. After I pass her while she is outside working one of the games they totally rip you off at, I come back and ask her if her and her friends want to come to a party my friend is throwing which isn’t far from work in Farmingdale. She says yes, and I proceed to get her number and start thinking in my head ‘OMG! Brian your so getting some ass tonight!!’. We part ways and I finish working the rest of the day.

I have never rode my bike home as quick as I rode it home that day. Yes! I rode my bike to Adventureland every day to work, give me a fucking break I was like 15 and had no other way of getting there. I get home shower and jerk off because no one wants to be a 2 pump chump (yeah, like I was going get laid it was just an excuse to squeeze out some knuckle children) when I finally do get my junk touched by someone else then myself … who is a girl. That’s a trick of the trade; release the baby batter that’s been on deck for a while so you last longer when you get down to business.

Charlie then picks me up and we proceed to get beer illegally with someone’s ID. We get the brew and head back to his house to prepare. The girl called me and told me she was on her way. I was like “What the fuck, I need to help Charlie set up, get things rolling and drink our first brews of the night”. I inform Charlie so we set up quicker and she comes with two other people. This is where it gets fucking real interesting.

She looks like she is dressed like she just came out of a trailer park, which I later found out she was from a trashy part of her town after the fact. It gets better, In tow she has a dude with spiked punk cut hair with a cut off “bad religion” shirt and a girl who looks like she is 13 and is blond who has a 6-pack of Smirnoff ices under her arm. Right then and there I should of told them party was cancelled please go back to Walmart I hear they are having a two-for one on anything you want please leave. No, my best friend Charlie who I wanted to kill after this maneuver goes “Welcome to the Party! There is ice upstairs to put your beer in and we got the BBQ fired up in a few”. Thanks Charlie I’ll be kicking you in the balls later.

People start showing up after and I’m getting drunk of course so I set my sight on the if you can call it a so-called prize and start operation ‘get my dick touched’. I start talking and her two friends are basically on top of us because they have been outcasted by the rest of the party because A) the girl looks like she is 13 and B) the dude looks like he is going to break a beer bottle and stab someone with it if they cross him. I do not make this shit up.

We get to talking and I come to find out the kid with spiky hair is her ex. My thoughts are “good move dip shit you told her she could invite anyone”. To my surprise he was totally cool with me talking to her, but I sensed the vibe it was only cool because he probably had his way with her prior to her coming there. I tried not to think about Mr. Bad Religion plowing out the girl I wanted to get with.

Apparently, I’m making some headway and sound somewhat interesting to this girl so I start to hint towards the “hey touch my dick” lines. Well not as blunt but I asked her if she wanted to go down to Charlie’s bed room (yes, Charlie this is where I get you back) and get this no-pants party started. I have a nice buzz going at this point and couldn’t tell you how far along she was but not as bad as me.

We get down to the room and just sit on the bed, start talking and giggling. Its first move time and back then I was the biggest pussy but, I went in for the kill and gave her a kiss. She tasted like cigarettes. Ew! This is starting off great. We are awkwardly positioned so I ask “Want to lay down?”, I’m so slick. We laid down and I’m thinking to myself “Well Brian I know you wish she was in her work clothes and she fucked up any chances of you ever liking her again because she looks like a trailer trash kid but you might as well just see how far you can take things tonight and get your rocks off”. For once I wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the balls for what happened next.

We start making out and such, then we begin to grind up on each other. Of course that wakes my junk up and she is aroused too. I feel her up, she has a decent rack like I said before so that was a plus (basically the only plus of this hook up). Then it comes down to the nitty gritty of who makes the move to the pants first. She was a little hesitant but was feeling around down in that general area, but was slow to get to the point. I decided lets get this show on the road. With my hands moving ever so slowly I slide my hands down her pants and massage the lower abdominal area above the vagina, to tease a little. All the while we are kissing and this is where she gets the feeling and pushes my arm down into meat wallet. Slowly I start with the fingering and such, she is soaking wet and everything is going fine at the moment. She then decides to slip her pants off. Now this is where I go “this is a girl after my own heart .. or a complete slut that wants to get boned the fuck up”. The pants come off and the underwear is still on, which is a clear sign of ‘no sex yet just play time’. I forgot to mention I have shorts and she can feel me hard as a rock, which her hand finds every now and again.

This is where the story goes absolutely to shit. As every guy does the old “check the stench/smell get the fingers within 6-8 inches of the face” to make sure there isn’t a bad smell coming off. She passed the test .. or so I thought. We are going at it like the kids we are making out passionately while I finger her still. Then she whispers “lick my pussy” and momma didn’t raise no fool if I say no she is going to shut down shop. I oblige and start to head down there. I start to smell something … I shake it off as I keep going down more but the smell keeps getting worse and worse. I was like is it Charlie’s bed? Is there like a sunken in fart that I knocked out of the bed? Next thing you know I’m nose to vagina with this girls pussy, and I’m staring at it like “oh my god, I think I found what smells”. Now what is a guy to do? Do you stop right then and there and embarrass the girl and tell her that she needs to hit that pussy with some soap or do you act like a trooper and suck it up. Since I do have to work with this girl in the future I pick the latter and decide to suck it up. I squint my eyes and dive in.

WHAT THE FUCK! IT TASTES LIKE I JUST LICKED A 9 VOLT BATTERY! Absolutely the worst taste I have ever tasted in my life, let alone the smell of her pussy was like the mixture of sauerkraut, sweaty armpits and bad deli meat. Now I know I have skill down there but seriously that does not matter worth a shit at this point .. I gag. She then pokes her head up and goes “Brian What’s wrong?”, I go “nothing”. So again I’m face to face with this smelly pussy thinking “ok I’m seriously going to wind up puking on this girls stomach”. I go in for one more crack at it .. I have had enough, I gag again. I then have revenge on my mind because I know if my dick smelt that bad the girl would DEFINITELY make it known to me once that shit hits her mouth. While I still have her taste and stench in my mouth and on my lips I hurry up and plant the biggest kiss on her.

She then makes the I just ate a lemon face but knows it’s her taste and smell all over her face now and takes it all in. Revenge has been had. This girl just got a taste of her own medicine and she did not like it at all. She proceeds to stop kissing me and looks at me in horror. I just am looking into her eyes like “yes bitch this is what I just had to put in my mouth, hit that thing with some Lysol and some antibacterial soap”. I don’t say that buy my eyes say everything. She is mortified. Charlie then knocks on his door because he knows I am defiling his bed without asking first. THANK GOD. This is the only reason why I didn’t kick him in the balls upon opening the door because he gave me an excuse to stop.

She quickly puts her cloths back on while I tuck my boner into my waistband (the up tuck) and we open the door for Charlie. She does not say a word to me all night during the rest of the party. Let alone her two friends are wasted, the blond is basically out of her face drunk all over the place and Mr. Bad Religion is trying to hit that. She quickly re-convenes with her friends and asks to leave.

You know how awkward it must have been to have to look the person in the face that just went down on you and you smelt like an old sweaty baseball hat? She got the hint. She wound up getting picked up no less then 20 minutes later and said a lightening quick goodbye to me and Charlie. The girl did not talk to me for the rest of the summer. We exchanged glances at work and a smile but that was the extent of anything between us again.

—— End of Story ——

The moral of the story is, if you attempt to date or hook up with someone from work go out on a date first or get some information on where she is from or how she is outside of work. Oh and for the ladies, Clean Your shit up! If you know your not fresh down there DON’T HAVE SOMEONE GO DOWN ON YOU. Luckily I have not had an incident like this after this one. I would like to think I got this experience out of the way early in life. Lucky for me I guess.

2 Comments

2 Responses to ““Worse then licking a 9 Volt Battery””

  1. Roxy says:

    LMFAO! Wow, thank you. That was a wonderful read that had me rolling with laughter in my seat. (if that were even possible) Oh wow. I feel so bad for your 15 yr old self, that’s just horrible, but like you said, at least you got it out of the way. Haha.

    The best line: “yes bitch this is what I just had to put in my mouth, hit that thing with some Lysol and some antibacterial soap” hahaha….was I rolling. =D

    Thanks for the snippet of your book, seems really interesting now. Can’t wait for more…haha.

  2. steve says:

    you know that Tucker Max already did this right?