How to Walk Through a Crowded Bar
We have all been there, the bar is packed from front to back and you have to make it to your friends who always think its a good idea to chill in the back (sick). There are many ways to achieve this goal and I’m going to list a few people you meet along the way and maneuvers to get you from point A to fucking point B which feels like miles away.
There is always that group of dickheads who seem to never want to move when you say excuse me and never make eye contact to acknowledge you. If you don’t know what I’m talking about .. YOUR THAT GUY(s). Since when did you take it upon yourselves to become the stone pilars of the bar? Unlike you I move around the bar talking to different groups of friends and saying hello. Sorry If you came there with your ‘boys’ and you marked off your spot accordingly without the inkling to move. I will give you a visual profile of this person(s). You have a smug look on your face like your going to grind on every peice of pussy in the place but fail to make any moves while grab assing with your boys. Unmovable you hold your $3 bud light close to your chest and bop around staring people down that pass by. I ask politely “excuse me” while you sit there and ignore me and not make eye contact. Thats when I take it upon myself to kinda put one arm out and push you out of the way ever so gently until you make eye contact and I now say smugly “excuse me, thank you” while looking you dead in the eyes as I pass. Thanks dick you made my night at the bar that much entertaining douche bag. Go back to standing next to the bar downing Jager bombs with your boys playing ‘lets get so fucked up girls don’t want to speak/dance with us’. Piece of advice .. pace yourself drinking .. move around a little bit and the girls will come as the night goes on. Instead you sit there and do the latter .. then at the end of the night when your jerking yourself off to your own ass in the mirror while I’m plowing a hot girl in my bed and spent no money on her drinks while you paid my freight thinking buying girls drinks is going to win you the battle. Hats off to you.
Then there is the guys/girls who think they are trying out for ‘so you think you can dance and believe they OWN the dance floor. Making it impossible for you to navigate through a big crowd because they want to ‘crunk’ on the dance floor. You my friend can go kill yourself. Ok, you might have some moves (in your head) but there is no reason to clear out room for yourself to do fucking head spins. By the way, people have been dropping glasses on the floor all night chances are 10-1 you touch that floor with anything other then your shoe your going to the hospital for some stitches Mr. Timberlake. I understand you go to a bar for music and the DJ .. but there is a time and a place for everything. When the bar is packed to the balls go drop some E and grind on each other until you make babies. Sounds way more logical then being a hazard to others with your windmill kicks.
The group of gossip girls who giggle and have had way to many apple martinis. They think they are being watched by paparazzi but realistically it’s there best friend screaming “MYSPACE PICTURE!” and “OMG my BFF JILL get in the pic and show me where your babies come from”. You can spot them because all the juice heads and druggies are buying them endless shots for the reason of taking them home. Chances of taking home one of those girls who come in a pack .. slim to none. If you have ever watched the Dave Chappelle “great moments in hookup history” there is no way to take one of these girls home because they made a pact at the beginning of the night to “go home together” like its a fucking lesbian orgy about to happen at there house. More then likely they will be outside the bar shortly laying on the concrete in their own puke. Avoid them. When you try to get past them they give you the pursed lips look and giggle and think there hot shit so they barely budge. This is when you move your drink around a little bit to make sure you spill a little on them so they feel it and move and say “what the fuck” .. then you say “excuse me babe i’ll buy you a shot when I come back around” they will gladly move after that. If they somehow come into contact with you any anytime after this incident say you have a twin brother at the bar and send her on the wild goose chase. These girls .. are bad news but come in boat loads.
Of course there are always the cooperative bunch who are just bar regulars and feel your pain. You can tell who they are because they give you the nod because they just spent 25 minutes getting to the spot that your at now. Give them the nod back and keep moving along you got friends to see. Thank you Ronnie “the regular” you are a gentleman and a scholar!
Every bar has the drug posse. They are probably one of the most easiest to spot because they are staring at all the pretty lights on the dance floor like a caveman who just created fire. Usually they are chewing on straws and barely striking conversation with each other. This group is a bunch of lost causes because not only do they not see you or hear you when you try to get by but the chances are they are in a coma but standing upright. You can usually just push these guys aside with no problem or altercation. When they do come too .. they usually go grab a water from the bar because there brain is about to explode out the top of their skulls. If you’d like poke em .. jab them with an elbow .. anything because its fun. You know how you have that grandma in the old folks home who has dementia or have that Robert Dinero disease from ‘awakenings’ they resemble them the most. Put them in a funny pose and see how long they stay there. Now get back on your mission to your friends on the other side of the bar you sicko!
No night would be complete without encountering the UFC hopefuls. They are the ones who feel like its there right to police the bar. If you look at them the wrong way they are going to make you tap out. With that said they are another group of guys easy to spot. Sporting there always famous ‘TAP OUT’ shirts with occasional sleeves of tattoos these guys are preying upon those people trying to get to other spots of the bar. They are smart too, because they set up road blocks every 10 feet from each other dieing to test out there new Mixed Martial Arts moves on the unsuspecting. I would say avoid them at all costs before they put you in an arm bar and make you feel like your arm is caught in a newspaper press. They are easy to spot so take caution. Oh another way to spot them is look for the guys all jacked up on Red Bull and assorted schnapps, yes that is them.
Not trying to get all racist here but I have to point out these select few people. Since this is done out of comedy and most of these groups are white people I have to share the wealth. The ethnic crowd that keeps to them selfs. Usually these guys are preying on the girls who sneak into the bar and are underage trying to woo them with there soldier boy dance. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then I guess your retarded. They rarely buy drinks because quite honestly they don’t want to drink. They just want to grind up on some ass to earn some credit from there boys for harassing poor girls. Not all ethnic crowds are like this but use your own judgment. They won’t move either. You could be the pope or P. Diddy they wont budge. If they move they will get clowned by there boys and then your going to have a fight on your hands .. usually 100 on just you. If you were the paperboy in the popular Nintendo game you would avoid them like the random oil slicks in the game. Proceed with caution.
Your almost there so keep moving on!
Oh wait a fight broke out in front of you. Now you have to watch out for the Bouncers. You dont’ have to watch out for the bouncers they are there for your protection .. right? Wrong, they push anything and anyone out of there way. You can be a 5’2″ 110lb girl, they are going to TRAMPLE you! You have to keep a keen eye out for these guys. They knock you over or your drink out of your hand .. what you going to do? Complain? They are merely doing there jobs keeping the peace. Not only are they swim moving you across the top of your head to get to the rukus, they are stiff arming clothes lining and shoving randoms out of there way. Here is another video game reference to make it easier. They are the trucks and you are frogger. You get hit be them its game over! Plain and Simple. They are very easy to spot because of there STAFF shirts and mostly because there HUGE averageing 6’3″ or higher with a weight about 3x more then yourself. Stay out off the train tracks when they are coming through! (pictured is my little brother John he’s harmless I swear.. lol)
Well that concludes the people you meet along the way of navigating yourself through a packed bar in hopes of catching up with your friends before they even leave. Oh fuck! Its been 2 hours of trying to criss cross, zig zag your way through the bar? Yep, your friends are gone. No doubt about it. Well at least I’m still here to share a brew with you .. Drink up!