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2007 Dirty Dalerz Turkey Bowl Player Rankings

Monday, 19 Nov 2007- Written by

The rankings and profiles are on the people that are believed to be playing this year in the Turkey Bowl. Some may not play and others will fill in but for now these are the people that are playing.

2006 in Review:

Well in 2006 “Team Dynasty” defeated “The Franchise” by two touchdowns. Last year was the first year of the Turkey Bowl Draft. “Team Dynasty” was represented by General Manager and President of Operations Adam Kruger, and “The Franchise” was represented by GM and POO Tom Cinelli. The 1st pick ever for a Dirty Dalerz Turkey Bowl went to Rob “I eat everything in sight” Romano. And that was to be believed as the first mistake that “The Franchise” would make…

The Most Valuable Player went to the #2 pick in the 2006 draft, Tim “screw you Tom for not picking me #1″ Treubig. The weather made it a very difficult for guys like John “MR. CHUNKY SOUP” Cinelli and Walter “Polish Sausage” Celenski to make their diamond like cuts in the grass. As the amount of mud puddles and rain increased the level of play decreased. As the level of play decreased Ryan “Yao Ming” Heller still managed to be 2 feet taller than everyone else on “Team Dynasty.” The tall bastard was able to reel in 3 TD passes from Tom “The Farmingdale Roger Clemens” Cinelli all due to the fact that no one could reach as high as him, once again I reinstate, he’s a tall bastard. But with the combination of Treubig’s 4-TDS & 2-INTs, Dennis “I weigh 150lbs soaking wet” Treubig’s 2-INTs, Daro’s & BC’s slot receiver type play, Matt “look who’s jacked now” Matt’s tackling ability, Adam’s golden arm and MR. Chunky Soup’s rushing touchdowns, Team Dynasty was able to pull away with a victory and the 1st ever set of Turkey Bowl Championship trophies.

2007 Player Profiles:

John “Mr. Chunky Soup” Cinelli

The former lineman of the year has taken his power to the turkey bowl stage. He is a force that cannot be stopped once he gets momentum. Some scouts have been known to call him The Juggernaut. His weekly job at the nutty irishman will give him an advantage b/c he is unable to drink the night before the Turkey Bowl, which I feel is a HUGE advantage to anyone. Also, he was seen testing for in the 40 yard dash, squat and bench press last week in a private workout for an NFL team that is not to be named. His results were a 4.6 40, benched press 500lbs, & squatted 750lbs. His 2007 fantasy status is very solid and goes up from 2006 b/c of the blocking that the massive beast can perform and once its 1st and goal… forget about it, you aint stoppin this Mack truck. And the whole job thing the night before is a jynormous advantage.

Fantasy Stock : Up 40 pts

Matt “Holy Shit I have a tricep now” Matt Williams:

The former Ultra Heavyweight has slimmed down 150lbs dating back to 2003 so as the previous years his fantasy status has increased greatly to become a top pick. Due to the fact that his biceps are bigger than everyone’s head on the field plays a big role defensively and offensively. Working out wise he is well above anyone because he works out everyday for atleast 13 hours, but the question that has quarreled the scouts is how much of that 13 hour workout is dedicated to running? His 2007 fantasy stock rises once again for a 4th straight year due to the fact that he is going to be AMPED to play football and wear a medium sized tank top.

Bench Press: 730lbs 27 times
Squat: 13 hooter girls which accumulated to over 1350lbs and the average boob size of a 36F
One armed Bicep Curl: 135lbs 17 times

Fantasy Stock: Up 50 pts

B “If thursday night beer pong at the nutty was a chick, I would marry it” C:

BC is one of the originators of this game and the creator of the dirty dalerz website. He is the one who usually spends the most time getting an outfit together for the game and wants to wear the weirdest shit possible, but he does rep Under Armour pretty well, which is good b/c Im an investor in Under Armour. (and all of you should be too) BC over the years has not been the STAR of the game but is always a solid pick b/c he is a down right hustler and scouts have been known to compare him to Wes Welker of the Patriots. Which could mean that he can have his breakout year in 2007 as Welker is doing. As always, his stock value goes down a little bit b/c he is also the creator of the thursday night beer pong at the nutty irishman. Sometimes you don’t know where his head is at, either football or the beer pong. In my fantasy analysis I am predicting that BC will be a sleeper in 2007 and stun some son of a bitches.

Bench Press: 40 lbs (we tried the barbell bench press but it didn’t happen)

Squat: 135lbs (hey we were able to use the barbell for this one!)

Fantasy Stock: Up 3 pts (last year we couldnt use the barbell for squat)

Chris “if I was italian i would definitely be a blowout club dancer” Carrabballo:

This is my pick for the person in the best shape. The one reason why is because everytime i go to a bar, the fucken kid is dancing the whole time, and because he’s mexican. Out of birth mexicans are naturally faster than any americans. Over the years, nacho (his real name) has also been a solid pick just as BC. He was a receiver in highschool which adds value to his stock and the fact that the kid doesnt drink as much as the other players in the turkey bowl also adds value to his stock.

Training: has been seen playing dance dance revolutions everyday for 3 hours

Bench Press: 65lbs
40 yard dash: 3.5 sec

Fantasy Stock: Up 20 points

Tom “I look chinese when I drink” Hind:

The 2005 turkey bowl MVP had an impressive game last year with 2 TDs and some quality receptions. Now I was able to catch an interview with the One-Time MVP and realized something, He loves himself. I asked him for a brief summary of his 2006 statistics and he gave me a profile of his football play as if he was going on He himself is saying that hes a top pick and is going to have a big game on thanksgiving. Before the interview I was going to give him props b/c he doessss have good hands and his hair is a bit shorter from last year which can add to his speed, but now i dont know if i want to after his comments about himself. This trash talk from Chinese Tommy Hind may effect him b/c he will have people gunning for him which could hurt his chances of having a big game, but due to the previous years and the game he had in 2005 and the solid game in 2006. His stock kinda has to rise this year.

40 yard dash: 4 flat……………………………. in minutes

Fantasy Stock: up 50 points b/c technically he is a very solid pick

Walter “Polish Idol here I come” Celenski:

This is my 2007 Fantasy top pick. The reason is because he can throw the ball 70 yards on a rope but also play receiver and defense. One big downgrade is that in the previous years he has been faulted with injuries. He had to sit out for a couple of plays last year due to a hamstring injury that has been hindering him since he was 10. This polish mammoth can bring the heat when it comes to tackling on defense as well. As Thomas Hind I was able to catch an interview with Walter and I am going to quote walter in saying, “I’m defintely gettting bombed Thanksgiving Eve….but I don’t want to cramp up like I did last year. So I might not get that bombed.” I mean c’mon, IS THAT FOR REAL? It’s Thanksgiving Ever… everyone and their mother goes out and gets bombed. Thats the point of the game.. to play hungover. He is my fantasy top pick but I really want to push him down for this comment. Morally this hurts me but I have to say fantasy wise this could have the potential to help him b/c he wont be that drunk. But now it is everyone’s job who sees Walter out thanksgiving eve to give him a drink so his quote backfires on him.

40 yard dash: 6 minutes… he hurt his hamstring again while testing and fell to the ground but I kept the time going until he crossed that line

Key Note: Witnesses have seen him doing right arm bicep curls to add to the strength of his arm, look for a 100 yard bomb to a receiver from this kid

As the TBC (Turkey Bowl Committee) agreed if walter is seen out thanksgiving eve and is not drinking … all of his stats will have an asterik next to them

Fantasy Stock: up 100 points

Tom “Bear Claws” Cinelli:

The man with the original golden arm. Tom has been used to having the top gun basically in Farmingdale when it comes to being a QB. But in 2007, the rise of Walter Celenski’s arm is putting pressure on that title. His size does keep his stock at a hold because he is not what we like to call a “scrambling” quarterback. His arm does make up for that though. In the past couple years he has been able to throw for over 10 touchdowns easily. Lately, he has been rumored to be concentrating on baseball (which actually has a future other than the turkey bowl) which could mean that he will not play in 2007. This will hurt fantasy owners because he can be taken as high as #1 technically. He has been cleaning pools for a couple years which adds to his overall strength and add to that arm of his. Last year he was a team captain and made the horrible mistake of picking Rob “The underground HOtdog eating champ” Romano as the first pick. Scouts compare him to Romo and his “holding” mistake that he made in the playoffs last year and how Romo is trying to bounce back from that mistake. Depending on the format of the draft this year, Tom will be a reliable pick, if he’s not doing the picking.

40 yard dash: 1 hour…… we started the timer then he went to go eat lunch instead but came back realizing that we were still timing

right arm bicep curl: 100 lbs
left arm: 15 lbs

Fantasy Stock: If he plays and he has a good receiver it can be lights out for the man with Bear Claw Marks. Up 70 points

Bobby “I have the hormones of a pregnant woman” Horan:

I have not had the pleasure to know Bobby very long and have only hung out with him a couple times. Here is what I can come up with for his fantasy analysis. He has no previous statistics because he will be a rookie this year. All i can say is, i was at a softball game this past summer in which his team lost.. HE WENT NUTS and wanted to fight the other team. If that happens in softball, holy shit, someone is going to die in the turkey bowl. I have other people saying that he has wanted to fight other teams as well in softball, which I may remind you, is not a contact sport. He’s got the size and speed to absolutely dominate this game and put pressure on the record that there has never been a back to back MVP award winner. I do not know how is hands are for receiving but I can only imagine that he is a beast on defense.

Fantasy Stock: up 500 points… no one has any idea what he can do and i think hes going to do real well

Danny “Back in the day Hawks all star Free Safety” Hilton:

First off I want to say that there is no relation between Dan and Paris Hilton. Dan is black and Paris is a slut. ALthough I think he has stayed at a Hilton Hotel once. I have known Dan since we were little and he also is a rookie for the Turkey Bowl. The kid is a sick athlete and this game may bring back his old free safety days. This year was the first year he played with the Dirty Dalerz softball team, and he dominated that, so why won’t he dominate his first year in the turkey bowl? A question that only he will answer. As in softball, his father was there to coach his team, and if this happens on thanksgiving.. there is no stopping his team. I have full confidence in Danny getting really trashed on thanksgiving eve so as everyone else his level of play will come down a bit, but overall I think he will be a stud.

100 yard dash- 8 seconds

INTs throughout life- 1,008 total

Fantasy Stock: Dan’s: up 900 points His Dad’s: up 2000 points

Charlie “a pack a day” Spahr

His 2007 status is in question b/c no one knows if he has to work or not. Although everyone is certain that he still smokes like a chimney which means that his stamina will be horrific as usual. Even though he smokes still his job requires him to be in shape so he may surprise the shit out of everyone and run circles around us. The likelihood of that happening is as likely as a midget grabbing Yao Ming’s balls. He still manages to get atleast 10 tackles a game and the occassional shocker of a reception AND yards after the reception. As usual charlie is a sleeper and is a risky but good pick because he hasnt lost all of his athleticism, if anything he gained more from working.
40 yard dash: time is still running.. he started to smoke a cigarette instead and just said fuck it to the test and left to go buy more cigarettes

Fantasy stock: up 40 points

Ryan “Farmingdale’s Yao Ming” Heller

Ryan is the tallest member of the turkey bowl and will probably always have that title. He has huge advantages with his height, his great hands, and his past of playing football. There is not one person that can leap as high as him, but maybe this year someone will be able to, and that person is Danny Hilton. Heller is used to playing against the other black guy in the game, Matt Matt. As you know Matt Matt is known for his massive size and the ability to run you over like a mack truck, not his jumping ability. But now we have another black guy in the mix, the chances of someone jumping as high as heller has increased greatly. Still I think he’s listed at 6″9, which is ridiculous considering the next person closest to him is like 6″3. I think he has a wingspan of 9 feet too, which I mean is quite crazy but its true. Heller has a huge upside and is like the White Plaxico Burress when it comes to being in the red zone, just float it up to him and hes almost 100%. He has had injuries in the past though which do hurt his ultimate performance, but i dont think it should slow him down b/c 90% of the people playing are retired athletes trying to make it in softball.

Fantasy Stock: depending on health, up 60 points

Tim “Where the fuck have you been” Rogers

Tim Rogers is making his first annual appearance in the turkey bowl. I think he was sick of watching us play and finally decided to grow a pair of balls. He has been hurt for the past 24 years with a shoulder injury, right out of birth he separated his shoulder. He had has trouble eating cereal with his shoulder, let alone playing football. I have no idea what the hell he’s going to do, but I can garauntee you that he will be VERY hungover for the game.

Fantasy Stock: up 1/2 point

Adam “I’ve had 10 motorcycles over the past 2 years” Kruger:

The man has been playing QB for the past couple years and has thrown well over 20 touchdown passes. The guys got a cannon for an arm but there are now 3 guys that are eligible for QB. Im gonna go out on a limb here and say that he has not been running to stay in shape. But I do know that he has been playing as much softball as he possibly can, BUT hes a pitcher.. he doesnt even move and when hes up at bat he usually hits a homerun. So im going to say that he DEFINITELY hasn’t been running. But if he does play his usual QB position, who needs him to run. He is always a reliable pick, even though last year he was a captain and was doing the picking so we will see how the draft is done this year.

Fantasy Stock: up 50 points

Tim “the natural” Treubig:

As last year’s MVP he is the only professional athlete competing in this years turkey bowl, Tim “the Natural” Treubig figures to be a strong pick, at or near the top of the first round. Treubig has great attributes…he’s tall, strong, fast, and loves chicken and rice. He is also naturally good at all sports instantly. Along with bowling, African wild boar hunting, curling, and ping pong, football tops the list of sports at which Tim has recently picked up and dominated in. He has good hands, and is damn near impossible to cover man to man for over 2 seconds. His 40 time was clocked at 4.1 seconds…..running backwards. Tim looks to have a big day depending on who he draws in coverage. With so much upside, it is hard to imagine the downside. Well, sources close to Treubig report that he has a weak spot for Captain Morgans and Coke. The high sugar content of both the soda and Captain Morgans can figure cause a Hugeee hangover for the 6’2″ wide receiver. He has been known to black out on Thanksgiving Eve in years past…and indications are that this year will be no different. He has also been seen drinking his captain n coke and listening to Ace of Base and Backstreet boys at JJ’s Saloon in Amityville. Make no mistake though, “the Natural” looks to have a big day. As long as he’s awake for the game and able to get out of bed, he should be a force in this year’s turkey bowl.

Fantasy Stock: Up 103.7 points

Richie “Get Da Mushroom” Lieberman:

Also known on Turkey Bowl days as “The Crazy Jew who got ran over by Matt Matt.” Bubba’s stock goes terribly down b/c of the amount of alcohol he consumes the night before but it also goes dramatically up b/c of the amount of alcohol that he consumes the night before. The kid just doesnt care about his body, in one of the games he was throwing up in the middle of the field but still managed to make a play and he got ran over by the Mac Truck in Matt Matt. He will also make you laugh your ass off b/c well hes bubba. Football wise he is not the best but as on the basketball court hes a hustler and will dive, tackle, fall on his ass, or anything else to get that ball.
I asked him to get me his time for the 40. He went out bought a 40oz of Old E and chugged it in 20 seconds. Thats good enough.

Fantasy Stock: Lower end guy b/c he’ll be shitfaced but his stock has to go up b/c hes bubba. Up 30 points

Uncle “Let me in the back of the nutty” Neil:

Neil is in his 2nd year of playing in the turkey bowl and was a consistent player in his rookie debut showing a force at linebacker. He is mostly a defensive threat but a good one. Offensively he’ll block the shit out of you and if i remember correctly he got into it with Matt Matt and they both called each other out, it was awesome. This year he’ll probably do the same. As Mr. Chunky he works at the Nutty Irishman so he will not be hung over for the game, which is huge and his massive blocking capability puts his stock value way up.

Fantasy Stock: Up 40 points b/c he lost last year and hes pissed

Overall Fantasy Player Rankings:

1. Walter “I get lost driving everywhere I go” Celenski
2. Tim “Captain n Coke” Treubig
3. Danny “the 2nd black guy to play in the turkey bowl” Hilton
4. Ryan “Daddy Long Legs” Heller
5. Bobby “Temper Tantrum” Horan
6. Tom “I’m sweating reading this” Cinelli
7. Adam “Quiet Storm” Kruger
8. Matt” NO one is stopping me” Matt
9. John “I play Halo 3 way too much” Cinelli
10. Tom “Pigpen” Hind
11. Brian “YAGER BOMBS! YAGER BOMBS!” Cinelli
12. Uncle “Toughnuts” Neil
13. Chris “4’10” Mexican Maniac” Carraballo
14. Richie “Bubba “Leiberman
15. Charlie “Anyone got a stogie?” Spahr
16. Tim “my shit always works sometimes” Rogers

1 Comment

One Response to “2007 Dirty Dalerz Turkey Bowl Player Rankings”

  1. joey says:

    wow, kind of a long post. =D i forgot what i wanted to say. however, i was curious about where my link went. let me know if you put it back up, otherwise fool, i’m taking this link away.