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One Shit Closer To Success

Saturday, 10 Jan 2009- Written by

Shit, dump, poop, doody, logs, cable, timber, crap, hot lava (c’mon you know what I’m talking about, when the poop pours out of your ass like a faucet and burns as if someone tore your buttcheeks apart too far.) Yes my friends in this post I am going to share with you a recent adventure I had while taking a Poop at work. Let me set the story up for you. Everyday around 11:15 am I like to take a nice sized poop to get rid of the previous wastes from the day before so I can put new stuff in at lunch time. Basically the saying out with the old in with the new fits perfectly here. Like clockwork I do my business and leave the employee bathroom desecrated for the next 20-30 mins. I’m telling you, the bathroom is in a state of panic kind of like what’s going down in GAZA right now and for those of you that don’t know what GAZA is you really should read the newspaper. I actually heard someone walk into the bathroom and GAG and then say “HOLY SHIT!” Then leave. I kid you not. The air gets so thick you could fold some of it up and put it in your pocket for later, not that you would want to but you get my point.

Now getting back to my story, you see the bathroom door is too big for the door frame so the door doesn’t sit flush with the frame thus it not being able to totally close all the way so I always feel like there is some poor bystander who walks past the employee bathroom and gets a small whiff of death. With that being said, we have industrial flush toilets but I guess this toilet is supercharged because when you flush it sounds like someone is turning on a jet engine and if you know me at all I’m a very thorough ass wiper and could easily flush at least 6 times. On a side note the most I’ve ever had to flush was 18 times, you may be saying to yourself that’s impossible but when it comes to Cinelli’s and shitting impossible is nothing. Yet another side note (I do hope you are taking notes) I usually bring my cell phone in and get some good amount of texting going and I normally talk online with JIMMY. Jimmy normally knows now that when I talk to him on AIM I’m normally pooping at work and to him that’s reassuring.

Now on this one particular day I was feeling very pent up and had to poop so bad and felt rumbles in my stomach that could match those of an about to erupt volcano. This time the volcano was mount ass cheeks and the lava was going to be brown and ferocious and it could possibly kill a small town of villagers. Anyways I walk into the throne room (the employee bathroom) and place my butt upon the porcelain and as soon as contact is made explosions of poop and intestines juice splatter everywhere. It got me contemplating does anyone else loathe the backsplash of poop on their butt as much as I do? Some actually say it’s kind of refreshing but I myself hate it so much. Okay moving on. I was killing it in there and almost threw up on myself because of the hideous odor but I fought through it.

After a few painstaking minutes I was finally done and was about to wipe when what happened .. yes my friends the little Spanish janitor of the office building forgot to replenish the toilet paper dispenser. I immediately wished nothing but death upon the guy. Then I thought to myself is your job that hard, I mean seriously you vacuum, you wax, you empty garbage and you make sure there is always toilet paper. Maybe that is why you’ll never get your green card because you cannot replenish ass tissues. I thought about confronting him but didn’t know if he was gang affiliated with Latin kings or ms-13 so I just let it be and wished he would get into a bus crash on his way home because he doesn’t own a car.

Anyways the only option was the roll of paper towel under the bathroom sink but I would obviously have to walk out pants around the ankles and in danger of someone opening the door and seeing my leaky bum and gigantic penis. I sat for awhile contemplating my move until the shit in my butt started crusting over in which I finally said enough is enough and sprung into action. I waddled my way out of the toilet and into the sink area reached under the sink and got the paper towel and kind of sidestepped back into the toilet area. I started to wipe and was so disappointed because paper towel is absolutely brutal on the butt and its sensitive areas. I was very sad and frustrated. I got about 4 good pieces of paper towel in the toilet now and try to flush it down. I thought it being a supercharged toilet it would have no problems. NAY NAY!!! The fucking thing clogged and there was no plunger in sight. I thought to myself what to do yet again? I looked at myself in the mirror and said fuck it once more I washed my hands and left a pile of poop lasagna in the toilet.

I was uncomfortable the whole rest of the day and the best thing about it was that the Spanish janitor had to wear a face mask to clean it up later on in the day. Overall my poopscapade was by far up there on the worst one ever but I fought through it and got things done. I hope my story is a tool for all of you out there to learn from my mistakes and always check the toilet paper dispenser before depositing your own poo babies.

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PLAYOFFS?? PLAYOFFS??

Friday, 2 Jan 2009- Written by

It’s about that time in sports when the NFL starts its Playoff games. With the NFC & AFC teams being solidified and the rounds are going to be under way. It was a great season, a season in which many milestones were achieved.

derrick ward and jacobsThe New York Football Giants had a pair of 1,000 yard rushers for only the 4th time in NFL history. The Detroit Lions gained the title of the only team in NFL history to lose 16 games in a season. Ed Reed of the Baltimore Ravens broke his own NFL held record for longest interception return with a 108 yarder against the Eagles. drew brees head shotAnd then the near miss at NFL greatness by Drew Brees who fell only 16 yards short of the most yards thrown for in an NFL season held by none other then the great Dan Marino. (insert Pick of Dan Marino side by side with Drew Brees) But only 12 teams made it to the Playoff Plateau and from here a true champion will be crowned.

NFC –
The NFC this year was the conference that stood out the most. With the World Champion New York Giants (12-4) taking hold over the number 1 seed and solidifying home field advantage throughout the entire playoffs, and the Carolina Panthers (12-4) grabbing hold of the number 2 seed to get a first round bye. However, the trend between these two top tier NFC teams was the imposing ground attacks both displayed. The Giants have the Earth, Wind and Fire Trio (Jacobs, Ward and Bradshaw, respectively) that absolutely dominated other opposing teams run defenses.smash and dash Jacobs used his brute strength and devastating hits to really soften up the defense and then Ward with his great field vision, speed and great hands to catch defenses off guard and Bradshaw was supplemented in from time to time to really go for the “home run” against teams who just couldn’t catch there breathe. Now the Panthers had the Smash & Dash combo of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to basically do the same. Where Williams chewed up defenses with his ability to turn plays to the outside and his elite speed to leave defenders tackling air. Where as Stewart is the prototypical goal line back who will never be denied from within the 5 yard line. Also these two teams have stingy defenses who absolutely take over games and make the life of opposing quarterbacks hell.

Also a part of the NFC playoffs picture are the Red Hot Atlanta Falcons (11-5) who being led by Rookie of the Year Matt Ryan have been making there place among the NFC elite known this year. Also WR Roddy White has made a name for himself this year leaving many people thinking he is a top 5 wide receiver in the league. The Falcons who are In a wild card match up against the Arizona Cardinals (9-7) who have one of the top receiving corps with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin with sure handed slot receiver Steve Breaston rounding them out, are just absolutely carving up defensive secondaries. Also finely aged QB Kurt Warner makes this team a high flying thrill ride that could very well upset the Falcons if they are all on point.

Then Finally you have the Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1) who have caught fire as of late after the 44-6 dismantling of the Dallas Cowboys. The Eagles have one of the best quarterbacks under center in Donovan Mcnabb and one of the best running backs when healthy out of Brian Westbrook. When these 2 are on top of there games they form the one of the best tandems in football. With rookie WR Desean Jackson as a top receiving threat on the Eagles Roster they could very well have found there swagger. However, the Minnesota Vikings (10-6) will try to put some water on the Eagles fire. The Vikings have the best running back in football in Adrian Petersen who can run, cut, catch, block and if they really needed him to I bet he could throw a couple of passes. The guy is the best back bar none in football and his yards he has put up the last two years bolsters this opinion. With a guy like Petersen toting the rock anything is possible and he could be the x-factor that pushes the Vikings to victory. Also with an emergence out of the receiving end of things comes Bernard Berrian and his fantastic speed up the sideline also Visanthe Shiancoe has sprung out of nowhere to become a formidable TE.

My personal opinion is that the Falcons lay waste to the Cardinals and the Eagles have a hard fought battle against the Vikings. Then the Panthers take it to the Falcons in the second round and go on to the NFC title Game. The Giants have a great game against the Eagles and emerge as the winner to play the Panthers. Now in the NFC championship game and a repeat of the amazing week 16 match up the Giants and Panthers, beat each other up and the Giants however take home the NFC crown thanks to the HOME CROWD help.

AFC-
The AFC was rather unusual this year with the teams that came out on top. The Tennessee Titans (13-3) make a case as the best team in football behind one of the best Defenses around. With veterans like Keith Bulluck and Albert Haynesworth stuffing the run harder than a turkey on thanksgiving, not many teams could handle the punishment these guys dished out. Cortland Finnegan totally shutting down opposing teams number one receivers they have proven to be maybe the top defensive team in football. However the Titans have a well rounded set of Running Backs. Chris Johnson the rookie sensation is just showing how he could possibly be the fastest running back in the NFL with his supreme field awareness he is a total asset to the titans success. Lendale White has established himself as one of the best Goal line Vultures in the NFL by racking up touchdown after touchdown in the red-zone.

The Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) without a doubt are the best defensive team in the NFL with the titans close behind. With Troy Polamalu as the safety who hits people with reckless abandonment and also has some of the stickiest hands for a defensive back makes the Steelers have that amazing aura of your not tougher than us. Also with Linebackers such as James Harrison and Lamar Woodley gobbling up Quarterbacks like its nothing puts an absolute fear in the opposing team’s offensive lines and QB’s. However there Offense is just as capable with Roethlisberger slinging the pigskin and Hines Ward Receiving you never know when this team will go off on a tear.

Also for the first round of wildcard match ups you have the Indianapolis Colts (12-4) who have the best quarterback in football out of Peyton Manning just taking it to opposing teams. Manning is the best thing going for the colts on offense but with a wideout like Reggie Wayne and TE like Dallas Clark, a stigma for greatness is easily obtained. The colts are Okay on the Defense when Bob Sanders isn’t there but when Sanders is heathly they are really good. Sanders adds run support that no other safety in the league can. With two book ends out of Dwight Freeney and Rashean Mathis you never know how many sacks this defense could have in a day. They are up against the San Diego Chargers (8-8) who should not even be in the playoffs and I’m leaving it at that.

In the other matchup you have the Baltimore Ravens (11-5) who have a solid rookie qb out of Joe “Cool” Flacco and a nice running back by committee out of Willis Mcgahee and Leron McClain as well as Ray Rice. But the Ravens Dazzle on defense as always. With Ray Lewis, Haoli Ngata and Ed Reed they just lay waste to any and all offensive attacks. They are matched up against the Miami Dolphins (11-5). They are the Diamond in the Rough this playoff and will be a force. Chad Pennington has revived his career and is a true leader on the gridiron. With Ronnie Brown running the “wildcat” offense he can explode at any time and Anthony Fasano just making it look easy at TE makes teams wonder what they are really capable of. Joey Porter anchors the Miami Defense and Porter just makes offensive lines look stupid as he racks up sack after sack after sack. My personal opinion is that the Colts oust the Chargers sending them packing and Tomlinson can watch the rest of the playoffs on his vizio.

Then the Dolphins continue there streak behind defensive minded coach Tony Sparano and give Flacco headaches. Then I think the Colts play a tough battle against a stingy Titans team but pull out a win. And the Dolphins lose this game to the Steelers who turn the Wildcat into a Kitten. Then the Colts clash with the Steelers and lose on the power and presence of Peyton Manning and Co.

Overall, The Superbowl will be a “MANNING EVENT” and the two teams beat the ever loving crap out of each other just in time for little brother Eli to step out of Peyton’s shadow and capture his 2nd ring in as many years. I would love to hear some comments on this post and your own personal opinions. Let me know what you think by commenting below this post.

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“I don’t Even Know this Product”

Saturday, 30 Aug 2008- Written by

Okay, this post is just simply long over due and in fact, I kind of found it as an injustice to all the dirtydalerz.com readers (yea the 5 of you) that it hadn’t already been posted. The quote alone to me is just a dead give away of what this post is about, but then again when im working at the Nutty Irishman, after 1am I have a lot of free time and nothing is on tv but Infomercials, so my knowledege of endless bullshit seems to top all others.

procedeBut lets get down to it and have a couple of laughs. The #1 infomercial that has me pissing my pants every time I see it is – PROCEDE sponsored/endorsed/used/worshiped by none other that Giuseppe Franco. YESSSSS, Its all becoming clear now! First off, Giuseppe Franco alone is a scary looking dude. When I see him, I see the resemblance of a rat who goes tanning with traces of Snobbish Douche bag. Call me crazy but I think I just hit the nail on the head with that description. Ok, I could go all day with hatred towards this man but lets get to the real reason behind this post and thats the commercial for Procede.

It starts out with the camera I guess looking at the receptionist desk in, I can only assume is Giuseppe Franco’s salon, but the odd fact is that Franco himself is behind the counter, now I guess he could be answering his own phone calls and making his own hair appointments with his clients to give them the more interpersonal relationship …. But I doubt it. The funny thing is that when the camera shows Franco he is like in utter shock and disbelief and throws his arms out to welcome you into his shop. buseyOhhhhh that Giuseppe Franco is one SWELL GUY! Well then the commercial makes Franco’s Hair Salon look all Sassy and Swanky because its in HOLLYWOOD and shows that his clientele base is to be envied and this is my favorite part in the entire infomercial ::break for laughs:: out of all his “celebrity” clients he could of picked he picks none other then the biggest whack job every to roam the free world in GARY BUSEY?!?!? Are you kidding me? This guy is the epitome of a Psychopaths and yet Giuseppe Franco has him as his “A-List” Clientele. Lets put it this way, I go to a Russian Barber shop in town and there is more famous people that go there than Gary Busey. Fuck the guy who rummages through my recyclables is 200 times more stable than Gary “those can’t be my real teeth” Busey. Then Franco and Busey in the commercial do one of the most powerful man hugs I’ve ever seen, its a little too convincing for my taste. To tell you the truth, I bet you the director of the commercial (probably Franco as well) was like, “Hey Gary, can you give Giuseppe a welcome handshake or something,” and good old Busey probably went in for a kiss at first but then decided to tone it down a notch and simply lift Giuseppe up and give him a bear hug the likes of which have not been matched. I bet after the hug Busey slapped Franco on the ass and said “ill meet you in the showers!” LoL, as you can tell this by far is the best part of the infomercial for me.

The Infomercial, gets better I believe because then you get these testimony’s from guys who have said they have used this product and suddenly hair started to sprout out of nowhere. Let me tell you the before pictures of some of these guys is simply ridiculous. gfPeople who have gone through chemo therapy 5 or 6 times have more hair on there head than these guys. Jeeeez, is there any limit to my mocking? I apologize, i’m just trying to emphasize a point on how stupid this commercial is). They say how great it is and how it really worked for them but then you look on the bottom of the screen and it says *RESULTS NOT TYPICAL* case and point because the SHIT IS GARBAGE!!! and doesn’t work. At this juncture in the infomercial I just don’t know what to make of it, but then Giuseppe comes back on and says “My name is Giuseppe Franco (like that would matter anyway, and weigh heavily on me actually purchasing this piece of shit hair product) and I wouldn’t put my name out there if I didn’t 100% endorse this product”. Okay fine, Mr.Franco believes in this product and must know all about it and what not in order to put his ULTIMATELY HIGH reputation on the line for the world to see and hear. But NOOOOO he then follows up by saying “I have NO IDEA whats in this product or How It works….but it WORKS”.

Oh MAN Mr.Franco, give a nigga some rope and he wants to become a cowboy. JESUS! I give you a shadow of doubt and you totally fuck me over on this one. I thought maybe if you were putting your name out there at the risk of possible tarnish you would at least know whats in the product. NO! So Giuseppe your product could contain biomedical waste, or rat turds or doo doo juice and you wouldn’t have any idea but you know that shit works. WAY TO GO GIUSEPPE! Your the reason why the OZONE layer and the Ice Caps are melting. I don’t care if I’m over doing it but, I purely HATE YOU SIR.

On that note the rest of the infomercial is stupid and gives you ways to purchase the bullshit and I even think there is a free Giuseppe Franco T-shirt available if you buy like 4 dozen boxes. Well whatever. I hate Giuseppe Franco and I hate Gary Busey and overall I fucking Hate Infomercials but this had to get posted and it had to get torn to pieces……LATER

Love,
John

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What the Shit!

Friday, 18 Apr 2008- Written by

Listen, everyone who knows me, knows at times I can be very brash and forthcoming when it comes to situations I am really thrust into and have no time to soak it all in. Well point and case of this being what went down this past Sunday. Let me set this up for you in a way you can totally understand. I had a great Sunday morning woke up next to my gorgeous girlfriend Kristin, shared a few morning kisses, laid in bed and totally just relaxed to the fullest and had a great start to the day. Then, we got ready and went to lunch and had an amazing time and just really enjoyed each others company. Finally upon leaving she asks me a harmless question (or so I thought at the time) “hey babe do you want to go to IKEA with me to get some things?” I was like sure lets do it, I have nothing planned and im sure it will be fine, you know just doing the boyfriend thing…OH GOD HOW WRONG I WAS…

We arrive at IKEA only to a parking lot that holds up to 20 cars and there is nothing but pure gridlock to find a parking space, I could of sworn I saw an old lady get out of her car with a knife and stab a man who had stolen her parking spot…I totally thought it was my mind making it up so I just turned my head in fear that the old lady saw me and wanted no witnesses so I told Kristin (who was driving) to speed up a bit because I saw a parking spot that looked empty (little did she know I was in fear of the Grandma with a knife who had just commited murder). Let this go as a note and I know im beating a dead horse with this but dont let the elderly fool you, they have a lot of fight still left in them…MOVING ON…Okay so we find a parking spot after 15 minutes and then get out and head towards IKEA…Upon leaving im looking around to see all the other shoppers….In my mind Im pointing shit out….Jew, Chinese, Black, Spanish, Jew, Jew, Chinese, Chinese, CHINESE, CHINESE….and I started thinking to myself is there like a Casting call for the new godzilla movie going on inside IKEA because I felt as if everywhere I turned there was an Oriental….but it didnt phase me because I had my girl by my side and we were gonna go get some “stuff” and just enjoy each others company…(OH I WAS SO WRONG)…Let me remind everyone because I failed to mention in the beginning that this is my first time to IKEA…Ya so all the people who are reading this and knew before hand what I was getting myself into you can all suck a huge dick….lol….

Okay we get in there and it starts out nice, pretty crowded but its a Sunday….people go shopping on Sundays and thats cool and whatever but as soon as we turned the first corner it was pure CHAOS….now keep in mind IKEA likes to have huge, elaborate display cases of how rooms should be…and girls go, “oh wow I wish I had a room like that and go hey dont you babe?” and all your thinking to yourself is the next person who is walking behind me and gives me a flat tire, im gonna bash there fuckin skull in…..so you oblige her question with a “ya hunny its awesome” (cant afford it) but you play along…then about 30 seconds into the whole thing your totally uninterested in the fact of cool futons and couches and bed sheets and crazy leather pillows, you start to realize that every huge display of beds and chairs and couches are being used by the most disgusting people to either lay down or sit on or even tie your shoe on, even maybe change a babies diaper or two lol…and you think to yourself this is FUCKING GROSS….the farts being blasted into each and every piece of furniture this place has puts you in a frenzy of “BABE DONT TOUCH ANYTHING” lol not to mention the boogers, coughs and who knows if some dude just got back from the bathroom and took a huge dump and had some fudge fingers becasue he didnt whipe properly and then was rubbing it on everything (I know its a little graphic but these are the things running thru my head) you fear that you might contract the AIDS virus or some weird disease…

But you push forward and just try desperately not to breathe in to deeply…
So your walking around all these displays trying to force room for yourself to walk because IKEA probably thought it was funny when they made the walk room only big enough for a small child to walk comfortably and everyone walking is no joke dick to butt with everyone and the width is not enough to walk side by side….So as I’m walking I start launching shit with my feet and legs…Im kicking desk chairs, Lamps, Couches…Little ASIAN KIDS….pushing someone in there wheelchair out of the way….Hey listen its a dog eat dog world when it comes to IKEA and I was starting to Realize this….Well we keep on walking and have yet to come across what Kristin was looking for, so at this point I’m so in the RACIST zone its not even funny….Every walk of life was irritating me and I had some less than kind words to describe everyone…Then the creme de la creme of it all was when we entered the CHILDREN CENTER…Now I don’t know if parents knew this but its not a fucking Babysitting center and just leave your kids to play with all the different bedrooms and you’ll finish your shopping and come back to get them at your convience…What is Wrong with these people…MR.PEDIFILE could easily hit up IKEA because its a hot bed for little kids who are Unattended and lure those helpless kiddies with candies….OMG and to top it off I see little Pablito (little spanish boy) who is just sitting in this little display spinning on this cool little kiddie chair and his mother goes “IM LEAFING CHU HERE”(remember she is of spanish descent for all the you with a problem in spanish ebonics that means I am leaving you here) mind you that this boy was only roughly 3 yrs of age and his mom actually left him there….She walked around the corner and Pablito was still spinning on the chair….LOL What the FUCK!!! well I could’nt help him out because the crowd was pushing me forward because lets face it these people are animals in IKEA…We finally make it out of the “Display Department” and I thought this nightmare was over….OH WAS I WRONG…. there is a “WHOLESALE” department aka the shit is so dirt cheap that everyone rushes through the display part of IKEA only to get to the Half broken shit down in WHOLESALE….OH YESS….

What my eyes saw at that very moment we made it down the stairs was something out of a movie….there was people everywhere…Laying in hammocks, sitting in chairs, eating food, Pooping on the floor, Flying Kites….okay the pooping never happend but I could of sworn I saw a Kite or two….but seriously it was as if American law was gone and anarchy was the main stay….there was kids jumping from one huge storage rack to the next one with a 20 foot drop that was nothing but pure concrete to break there falls….there was congragations of sorts….I even no joke saw a NUN and she must of been getting her Shop on because the Convent needed better kneelers for the chairs or some shit….but anyway it was pure Insanity….finally Kristin found something she liked and we picked it up…what was it you ask….A PICTURE FRAME!!! are you kidding me?!?! I went through all that shit for a PICTURE FRAME….GOD I REALLY LOVE THIS GIRL!!! lol well I didnt mind but I just really wanted out of that fucking store…so we pay for the frame and leave and what do I see upon leaving…..the whole congragation of a jewish temple with there yamakas and lil curls flowing ever so freely and if you know me I just cant hold it in….I DIE….but that wasnt it….I see a gaggle of Asains trying to fit this humongous piece of furniture in the back seat of a compact car….oh those asians may be good at math but they lack in the common sense department so of course I do a couple of asian jokes, do a couple of well placed “Hiyaaaas” and call it a day…..However the capper to this was that IKEA leaves twine out so you can kind of makeshift tie down shit to the roof of your car in hopes that it will fall off on the 106/107 or the LIE and cause serious damage to others….but what I saw this young kid do was priceless….he must of unraveled about 35 feet of twine and proceeded to tie his little brother to the poll that was next to his car…my god….where are the parents of these kids?!? Oh yea thats right they must of left them in the Children’s Rooms department and went to go buy a new family step stool or some shit….who knows….

Finally we make it back to the car and im just so happy to be out of that HELL HOLE….I give Kristin a kiss and we leave the parking lot and make our way home and she could tell I was a little frazzled from the whole experience and it being my first time and all so she took me to get an ITALIAN ICE…..OH BOY was I happy….so the moral of the story is this….If you go to IKEA bring some PURELL and a breathing mask….and another side moral is this….Girls if you make your man go to a place that isn’t really up his alley…but he does it out of sheer love for you…make sure you get him an italian ice afterwards because it will totally make up for it….lol that is all for now…PS IKEA SUCKS…..PPS My thoughts are with you PABLITO

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The Baby Saftey Picture Debate

Wednesday, 13 Feb 2008- Written by

This debate is between John and I about what these pictures really mean to us rather then them showing kids morbidly about to die. John has a different view then I in each of these pictures so read our takes on it.

babyfacedown

 
Brian:Ok, This baby is definitely dead. Find a stick and poke him cause he is down for the count. Most of these look like baby suicide so I’m going to give a back story. Little Petey “the pillow suicide kid” was born into a broken home. Father was a drug abuser and his mother was a whore. The breast milk coming out of her mothers boobs was being sold on the black market for cash so they could keep there house in the projects. He was malnourished. Always being hungry and depressed he decided once he had the chance he would do it. His whore of a mother plopped him down on the pillow .. he pulled a turn maneuver while his mom was blowing the landlord for rent and bam Petey is sipping on the sweetest boobie juice in heaven. Well played Petey.. Well played.

John:Very Clever Brian and Impressive CSI work I might add…however I believe little Petey is mearly just in an alcohol ladden coma….See let me paint this picture for you….Petey was hanging out with his homeboys getting there drink on at the local Toddler Hot spot and open arrival Petey and the crew were already a bit sauced up from the pregaming party that had currently insued…And we all know that going to a bar, not a little hammered can add up to hurt the penneys in your pocket….so Petey was no fool….But he hit spot hard and was drinking heavily….He was getting down to business and he even ignored the advice of his boys and hit the bar harder…After his 15th Similac he was SAUCED UP like a champion….so he was about to leave but then another renegade crew of tots came into his face and started a squabble and we know Petey at this point had some “drinking Muscles” so Petey decided to take on 5 other little babies and lets say Petey was not successful…however after the fight Petey called the Yellow cab company for a ride home and then from there Petey stumbled into what he thought was his bed but rather his dogs sleeping bed….where Petey camped out for the night because of his drunken stuper….So you see Brian this is just a photo illustrating the harsh reality of Baby Drinking….Petey is the Victim of the SIMILAC SLURS…..Sweetdreams Petey, Your going to have a rough morning tomorrow…..

babyfacedown

 
Brian:Now this baby Is just plain and simple trying to play hide and seek. He is merely finding the best spot for his size. Have fun trying to find him when he finally gets to his spot inbetween the wall and the bed. Um, but i hope to god someone hears him when he needs to get out or there is going to be a dead baby carcus stinking up the room on the side of someones bed. Bad News Baby!

John:Yea this Baby is not dead at all….This baby has fallen Victim to the fact he probably was watching TV and Dropped the Remote On the side of the bed closest to the wall…and I dont know about anyone else but instead of moving the bed to retrieve the remote we try and Cram ourselves into impossible places in order to retrieve the Sacred Remote….So this baby was getting his TV on and mearly lost track of where is remote actually was and simply was trying to retrieve said remote…..Hey Flavor of Love was probably on and he wanted to get to the channel the fastest so he made a hastey move in trying to retrieve it….Ive seen this a thousand times….Just another casualty in the face of the lost remote….God Bless you Tv BABY

babyfacedown

 
Brian: I’m not even going to describe what happened here. Someone get this kid help right now, only if his neck hasn’t snapped already. This is another suicide baby. If there was a baby Saddam Hussein this is how he would be executed. Who ever the parents of this kid are .. jail is in your future. Watch ya damn kid!

John:Yea this Baby is dead……MOVING ON!!!

babyfacedown

 
Brian: Obviously who ever put the big red cross sign through this one isn’t an advocate for secrecy. This kid obviously just either got an important document that he doesn’t want others to see or got a letter from a mistress that he has to hide from the misses. Let him destroy the evidence dammit. But no your just scared of his lil baby fingers that look so delicious you want to eat em .. getting stuck in the blades of the shredder and making baby spaghetti. Let him do what he’s got to do.. jeez.

John:This Baby obviously was downloading pictures of other Tots Nude and the Fbi caught wind of his scam…So this baby mearly was trying to extracate the Photos he had downloaded in order to avoid federal Inditment…Now this is a trick the FBI has put out in order to stop the Nude Tot underground syndicate that has been flourishing in certain parts of the country….Paper Shredder baby…You should BE ASHAMED!!

babyfacedown

 
Brian:Yet another suicide baby. OR is it a screen clip for an infomercial for “baby saftey butter”. You know when your kid gets his big old watermelon head stuck in between the stairway railings or just like this picture his baby crib. Take a big old heaping handful of ‘Baby Saftey Butter’ glob it all over the kids head so it looks like he was just born again and pull as hard as you can. He is going to cry a little but that just means pull harder he wants to get out. If his head pops off .. umm.. get the document shredder and start making baby spaghetti again. John you wanna patent “Baby Saftey Butter” ?

John:Brian obviously this kid is in some serious training for the world strongest man competition….The baby was trying to lift his crib to get the full workout he needed….However he could not find the leverage to do so….So then the baby decided the best way to gain leverage was by putting some of the crib weight on to his neck/shoulder area in order to lift the crib….Get your swell on mongoloid baby and make the US proud in about 20 years when your eligable for competition…..

babyfacedown

 
Brian: If you have told this kid once you have told him a million times stop fucking around while your in your play pen. Even though he looks like a big salmon caught in a fisherman’s net wiggling around to get free, let him be. He has to learn a lesson. I bet you that is the last time he is going to try to play bounce off the ropes in wrestling while he is in his crib.

John:Brian I concur with this last picutre however if you see the Toddlers hair it looks awfully a lot like that of wrestling legend Jimmy “Super Fly” Snucka…This photo is precisely that of Jimmy just perfecting his craft at a young age…You think greatness happens overnight? NAY NAY….He had to do work and now look at him…One of the most prolific wrestlers ever….Hats off to you Baby SNUCKA…..Inspiring babies out there to use there play pens as a tool of athleticsim rather that a penatentry….

In conclusion:Overall, these babies are mearly just images of Greatness, Tragedy and Other such things…May the babies across america stumble upon this page and view at there own leisure the Risk and Rewards for being so Young……GOD BLESS EVERYONE….Except for baby Image Number 3 you satanic mother fucker….Rot in Hell

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